


Echos

by TempoPrestissimo



Category: The Evil Within (Video Game)
Genre: Basically Ruvik and Seb being snarky assholes to each other before they fall in to bed, M/M, Mostly Canon Compliant, this has become something longer so I guess we have a plot now
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-27
Updated: 2018-04-01
Packaged: 2019-02-07 12:23:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 37,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12841101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TempoPrestissimo/pseuds/TempoPrestissimo
Summary: Post-Union, Sebastian is slowly getting his life back together. He's quit drinking, put Lily in school and has kept in touch with Kidman. While what happens never really goes away, life starts to be mundane again, and he's grateful.And then Ruvik turns up on his doorstep. Strangely, he's not there to kill anyone. That doesn't seem to make Sebastian any happier to see him.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Bonjour. This is my first endeavor to posting fan fiction. I wrote this story to bribe a friend. Maybe other people will enjoy it too.

After Union, the whole world felt too strange to be real. Maybe there really was something in what STEM did to people, something that didn’t go away when it was destroyed. Despite Juli’s reassurances, sometimes Sebastian still questioned where, and when, he was. Other times, the world could not be  _ more _ convincing. Usually, that was when Lily was with him.

The relief he felt every day when she came home from school was so sharp and so impossible to measure that it could not be an illusion.

She was doing well. He had thought about getting her a therapist, but his own experiences with one still made him worry that she would suffer through the same doubt that he did. So, he did some reading. If some of that reading accidentally improved his own life, well, then so be it. He wasn’t as adverse to the idea as he once was. He wanted to be better for her. She deserved it.

Juli called him, sometimes. She was still an enigma. He trusted her, though, despite everything. She had earned that much from him. So when she told him that the situation with Joseph was difficult, and that she was working on it, he did his best to be patient. 

She was reluctant to involve him now that he had his life together. He was glad for that. If the choice fell to him, to have to rescue his partner, he’d have to find somewhere safe for Lily, and he wasn’t sure anywhere in the world existed like that. It was a choice he didn’t want to face.

Mobius was gone. He hadn’t seen it happen, but he had seen the result. How convenient that he had popped out of STEM with a renewed commitment to life just as people started dropping dead and investigations opened up all across the country.

Of course he had gone back to the KCPD. Of course they had taken him. They needed him. The number of people who had died in Krimson City alone was remarkable. 

But even with Mobius gone, he couldn’t shake the paranoia. Maybe it would be with him forever. Still, he replaced the booze with diet pop and devoted his life not to work, but to his little girl.

And things started to be kind of okay. Whether or not they would ever be actually okay, he wasn’t sure. But Lily was bright and open, she made friends at school, her teachers said she was a joy. He dreaded her teenage years and the thought of them made him wish more than ever for Myra, but they’d manage it together.

Slowly, they built a life again. Mundane day to day activities became his worries, not struggling to survive. They’d buy groceries, go to the park, watch movies together.

He took her to the museum once. Lily loved everything in it, and had a million questions he couldn’t answer. Myra might have been able to. Joseph definitely would have been able to. The ache in his chest when he thought of either of them was different, each their own separate pain, but the strength of them was incredibly similar.

Time had never left him a chance to talk about these things, not with either of them. Maybe that was something he  _ could _ see a professional about, the weird grief/love miasma that threatened to strangle him if he thought about it too much. But now those memories were too intertwined with the events in STEM, and he’d never be able to talk about one without talking about the other.

He’d been called crazy enough, believed it enough, for one lifetime. He wasn’t eager to repeat the experience.

For a while everything was quiet. Whenever Juli called (Sebastian trained himself out of calling her Kidman when Lily started to do it. Those days were over. He could afford the familiarity of calling her by her first name, now), he’d invite her to coffee, and she’d always say no. There was no ulterior intentions in it. He’d often teased Joseph about having feelings for her, but even at the time wasn’t convinced that it was true.

But she was a familiar face, and a familiar voice. He wouldn’t be sad to see her again, when he could.

Today, Lilly was at a birthday party. He had dropped her off half an hour ago. Of course, he worried constantly. It sucked, being so uselessly pent up, but he figured it was necessary. Lily deserved a normal life, and that included going to her classmate’s house for cake and balloons. He had to learn that just because she stepped out the front door, she wasn’t going to disappear forever.

Her first day back at school had been hell. But it was getting easier, slowly.

With nothing better to do, he read over casework. That felt so eerily familiar, burying himself in work in this very place. He had thought about selling the house, it was too big for just the two of them, but he couldn’t bring himself to. Not yet. Maybe one day. 

Or maybe they’d get a dog. Lily fawned over every dog she met, and had begged him for one more than once. Maybe when she was a little older and could take some responsibility for it. It might be good for her. And then he wouldn’t have to worry as much if she was home without him.

The files lay on his desk in front of him, untouched in the last fifteen minutes as he was lost in these ideas of a future that he had never thought was possible. The first knock on his door jolted from his thoughts so sharply that he wasn’t sure it had even been real. When it came again, confusion finally set in. Who was knocking at his door? It was open, so if one of the other parents had dropped Lily off, she’d just come in. His coworkers had his phone number. He didn’t talk to his neighbours, not out of any desire to be rude but just because he didn’t have that kind of _time-_  
A third knock. He should probably go answer it.

With that, he finally got up out of his chair and went to the front door. He didn't stop to look through the window, which he should have done. Nor did he stay at his desk and ignore it, which might have been a better idea too.

Instead, he opened the door without thinking, and whatever greeting or inquiry he had died on the spot.

The white-haired man who stood on his doorstep had once been named Leslie Withers but that wasn't the name that came out of Sebastian’s mouth.

“ _ Ruvik _ .”

It felt like falling. He could taste copper in his mouth and that feeling of being lost, being disconnected from time or place, overwhelmed him. 

And then, Ruben Victoriano smiled at him, and rage overcame his disorientation. He lashed out; grabbing the younger man by the collar of his shirt, pulling him into the house and sweeping the door closed behind him. He slammed Ruvik back against the door loud enough that he heard his head crack against the wood. 

“What the fuck are you doing here?”

“I thought Leslie was dear to you, Seb. I thought you'd be happy to see him.”

Sebastian hit him. It felt wonderful. 

It was Leslie's face, but it wasn't. The bruises and rashes were gone, and the eyes that looked at Sebastian were sharper and more lucid than he had ever seen them. 

“How do you know where I live?”

Sebastian still held him back against the door by this throat, but he didn't struggle. For a moment, he flickered in Sebastian's vision, suddenly he was Ruvik as he had once been, but he shook it off. That was over now. 

“You haven't moved in years. It's on every single piece of documentation. You're not exactly  _ hiding _ .”

Was it Leslie's voice, or Ruvik's? He had never heard Leslie speak like that, and the low, bitter laugh seemed undeniably Ruvik.

Sebastian's hand tightened around his neck, cutting off his air. He tensed then, his hands going to Sebastian's arm, trying to pull it free. Colour rushed to his cheeks, tinting them a pink that once would have been impossible. His grip was like iron and his fingers were still cold. 

Sebastian could feel Ruvik's pulse under his hand. 

It was like a nightmare that had come flooding back, but it was different now. Sebastian wasn't the drunken emotional wreck he had been, and he was in no mood to indulge Ruvik's obnoxious crypticism. 

His voice dropped, low and dangerous as he leaned in to ask the question again. “Why are you here?”

He loosened his grip, letting the man gasp in a breath even as he resumed squirming. But, he didn't answer, just shot Sebastian a sharp look before trying to get himself free again.

So Sebastian hit him a second time. It split his lip and blood welled there, lazily dripping down his chin.

“Why did you come here?”

When Ruvik smiled, it pulled at the recent injury. “I don't know.” He said.

Sebastian tightened his hand and cut off Ruvik's breath once more. “That's bullshit, Ruvik. You didn't just turn up at my front door by chance. What the fuck do you want?”

This time, he waited. Waited until Ruvik was really panicking. He earned it, after everything he had put them through. Mobius might have been what dragged him into it, but it had been Ruvik’s technology that let them. 

This time when Ruvik coughed in his breath, it came with a panicky gasping sound. It was shocking how much Leslie no longer looked like himself. As if the force of Ruvik's personality was too much to be contained. Sebastian  _ knew _ that it was Leslie in front of him, with only Ruvik’s mind at the controls, but so much of the young man’s demeanor had been completely eradicated by the takeover.

“I don't know.” Ruvik answered finally. He rubbed at his neck, giving Sebastian that same look. Angry, maybe defensive. And something else that Sebastian couldn't place. 

“Did you really think coming here was a good idea?” 

“Where else should I go?” He shot back. “Tell me, Sebastian, where in this world suits someone like me?”

It had been three years since Beacon. Almost a whole year since Union. Where exactly had he  _ been _ the last four years? If he got out, what was he doing?

“How is that my problem?” Those questions could wait. Maybe forever, if it meant making him go away. It was too dangerous for him to be there.

“Then tell me. Where in this world suits someone like you?”

“What the fuck does that mean?” The four year gap was suddenly meaningless. He was as frustrated with Ruvik already as though they had never escaped.

_ Maybe you never did _ .

He didn’t let that thought stay in his head, running his free hand through his hair and letting out an annoyed sound. He wasn’t sure who he had less patience with; Ruvik, or himself.

“You have it too. Sometimes you see things that aren’t there, or hear things that aren’t happening. Sometimes you can’t tell where you are. Here, or Beacon, or-”  
He cut himself off but it wasn’t fast enough.

“Or  _ where? _ ” Sebastian demanded. “I saw you leave. I saw you walk away from Beacon.”

“How far do you think I got?” That bitter laugh again, the faint smile that was, in every way, Ruvik. “How far do you think I managed to get before those assholes found me and-”

Another hard stop. His eyes, so often cold and cruel, were distrustful. Almost nervous. Sebastian wasn’t sure what that meant, but he sure as hell knew what Ruvik’s words implied.

“You were at Union. You were  _ in _ Union.” He said. “How?  _ Where?” _

“You wouldn’t understand even if I told you.” Ruvik said with a huff of empty laughter.

So he’d been free almost a year. Just like Sebastian.

“So what, you got out when all of the Mobius people started dying, is that it? They all dropped dead and you escaped again?”

While Ruvik had seemed content to act mysterious and aloof, that comment seemed to have hit a nerve because suddenly he was angry, and he shoved Sebastian away from him with enough strength that the detective stumbled back a step.

“I have been hiding from this world since I was  _ thirteen! _ ” He balled his fists, and though Sebastian didn’t risk a look, even a quick glance would have shown him that Ruvik’s hands were shaking. The reason Sebastian didn’t spare even a second to check was obvious; he was pretty sure Ruvik was going to try and kill him again.

“Why is it so wrong for me to want to be free?!”

Good question, but it wasn’t the  _ right _ question.

“Why do people always have to suffer for you to get what you want?” Sebastian asked in return. “You think Leslie deserved this?”

“Yes.” Ruvik said then. “You want to tell me he didn’t deserve to rest after everything he’s been through?” Ruvik asked sharply. “Lost his family. Abandoned to Beacon to be a toy of Mobius and Valerio, and then of Marcelo. Of  _ me. _ You  _ saw _ . You want to tell me he would get better? That every moment of existing wouldn’t be one of incredible fear for him?”

“So you stealing his body was a mercy.” Sebastian said, his tone making it clear that he didn’t believe that for a second.

“No, it was  _ convenient _ .” Ruvik had no illusions about what he had done. If anyone understood it, more than Sebastian, more than Mobius, it was him. It was his system, after all. “And now he’s gone. There’s nothing to be afraid of when you’re dead.”

That wasn’t a train of thought that Sebastian wanted to indulge. So much of the last few years had been steeped in terror, even those moments outside of STEM, that the idea of an easy way out had been once all too appealing.

He thought of Joseph then, putting his gun against his head, standing outside in sunlight that did nothing to make the world around them less awful.

That was a harder thought to get rid of. 

“You’re having symptoms too. Tell me.” Ruvik said then. There was a strange desperation in his voice, poorly hidden by how little he had regained his composure. “Aftereffects. Visions of things that are impossible.”

“Lily doesn’t have them.” Sebastian said, which as as good an answer as any. “And J- Kidman, she mentioned something…” There was a time and place for first names. Now wasn’t it. Not in front of Ruvik. Though Sebastian couldn’t explain why, it was a line he was reluctant to cross.

“And you get them.” Ruvik said. There was relief in his voice, just as poorly hidden as his previous need. Whatever he had been seeing, he had been worried he was alone. For someone who was so used to that, it seemed strange that such a thing would get under his skin. 

The rage was gone, now, and the distrust had returned when he looked at Sebastian. “STEM worked. My invention was perfect. I made it to get me out. Mobius networked people together to make their ‘utopia’-” He spat the word, disgusted. “- and they did something. They must have done something. The psychological echoes, they were never a part of the program.”

“It’s called PTSD, Ruvik. You should know that.” Sebastian had read enough to learn that. It was one of the reasons why those moments hadn’t really bothered him. Being able to identify them, to name them, made them easier to process. 

Ruvik looked insulted.

“PTSD is when I dream about the fire. It’s when I hear my sister calling for me even though she’s been dead for seventeen years. It’s not looking in the mirror and seeing my own face looking back at me. My- my…”

Ruvik shook his head. “You think I don’t know what I’m talking about?”

As much as Sebastian wanted to tell him that he was right, and that Sebastian thought it was full of it, he couldn’t. If nothing else, he had to admit that Ruvik  _ did _ know what he was doing. That was kind of the whole damn problem.

“Okay, fine.” Sebastian said. “So, STEM leaves a scar. Considering how many I should have left there with, I’m fine with that. What’s the problem?”

“You really want to have reality flickering in front of your eyes for the rest of your life?”

“I have a choice?” He asked, before realizing he shouldn’t have.

“Maybe.” Ruvik said quietly. “I have some theories. But, considering I don’t have a lab, or any resources…”

“I am  _ not _ helping you!” Sebastian said shortly. 

“Your friend, the saboteur.” Ruvik said quickly, as if he had expected Sebastian to have exactly that reaction. “You said she was having problems, too. Shouldn’t she decide if she gets relief?”

Of course, he said nothing about her having the connections he would need. He didn’t have to. Sebastian wasn’t a detective for nothing, and he knew immediately what Ruvik was getting at.

“Then you’re out of luck. I have no way of contacting her. She only contacts  _ me _ .” Sebastian said. “So good fucking luck finding her.”

“You could. You’re a detective. But you don’t. I wonder why that is…”

“Because I was asked not to. It’s not something you’d understand.” Sebastian said.

It happened again. Ruvik was suddenly more himself, his eyes taking on the sick, off-colour cast they once had, his skin breaking out into burns and stitches, his clothes deteriorating into rags. For a moment, everything around them was blood and metal.

Sebastian watched as Ruvik reached up, running his fingers over the line of stitches that crossed his skull, down the side of his face, over skin that was pallid and pale and red and scarred.

And then, just as suddenly, they were back. 

Ruvik pressed his hands to his face. White-blond hair fell forward when he lowered his head. His clothes were just as they were when he showed up on Sebastian’s doorstep fifteen minutes ago; white, but in one piece. 

“You saw it.” He said, his voice muffled by his hands. “Just now.”

“Yeah.” Sebastian said quietly. “I saw it.”

“I  _ felt _ it.” Ruvik said. There was something awful and pained in his voice. “Every time it goes back. Every time it flickers, even for an instant. Like they have my brain in that fucking container again, like I’m being-”

He shuddered and shook his head. When he raised his head to look at Sebastian, his eyes were Leslie’s again. Well, that wasn’t quite true. They were Ruvik’s now, as much as they hadn’t been his originally. There was nothing of Leslie left in the loathing and pain that was there.

“I want to be free of this.” He said. “I want to be  _ free _ .” 

Sebastian hesitated.

“... I’ve got a phone number.” He said.

Ruvik’s gaze had drifted to the ground but he looked up at Sebastian suddenly. “Pardon?”

“I’ve got Kidman’s phone number. I lied.”

“... I’m kind of impressed. Usually I can tell. Especially with you.” Ruvik said quietly. “So… you’ll give it to me?”

“Like hell I will.” He said. Ruvik was quick to pretend it was nothing but Sebastian was too sharp to be fooled. His flippant answer had left him stricken, if only for a moment. 

Sebastian quickly looked away and spoke again. “ _ I’ll _ call her. I’m not letting you have the chance to pull something.”

What did he have left to pull? Probably nothing, but Sebastian wasn’t going to give him the chance.

“Thank you.” Ruvik said, so quietly that Sebastian wasn’t sure he had even heard it.

The detective only sighed, and finally, let Ruvik further into his home.

They went to the living room, and Sebastian gestured to a chair wordlessly. Ruvik sat, oddly stiff and tense, and Sebastian grabbed the phone and dialed in the number he had memorized. He wasn’t stupid enough to leave Juli’s number written down around the house.

“Will she answer?” Ruvik asked as the phone rang in Sebastian’s ear.

“She usually does.”

She did.

“Hey, Kidman-” He said. He couldn’t see her face, but he knew that she’d clue in from just that. She was a smart woman, and honestly, an excellent detective.

“Sebastian. What’s going on?” 

Ruvik couldn’t hear her, but he could hear Sebastian and caught the older man’s eye when he glanced at him. Ruvik quickly looked away.

“Looks like your Mobius wipe missed more than just you.” He said.

Ruvik’s hands tightened. That was a little on purpose, though. He might not have considered himself one of them, but to the people who suffered it was all the same. Sebastian knew exactly which buttons to push.

“What? What do you mean?”

How did he answer that? What did he say?

He stuck with being upfront. It was what he knew best.

“Ruvik is sitting in my living room.”

He had to pull the phone from his ear when her response was too loud for him to handle. Still, it was brief, and she quickly returned to the problem at hand.

“You haven’t killed him?”

“Not yet.” He said dryly. “He’s looking for you.”

Whatever shock she had died on the spot and he could feel her shift gears. “Why?”

“The… the flashbacks. He’s getting them too.” He said. “He wants to find a way to fix them.”

He didn’t mention the way Ruvik had looked, the way he had sounded when he said it. There was no way he could have explained what he had seen to her. 

“What makes him think I know anything that can help him?” He asked.

“You’re the only one who knows where to find what he might need. If you’re interested.”

There was silence for several moments, but then he heard her sigh.

“You still down for that coffee you keep asking me about?”

“Yeah.” He said. Sebastian looked over to Ruvik again, but he was looking at his feet and seemed to be pointedly ignoring him. Whatever. “When are you coming?”

“How about tomorrow?”  
What, he’d have to babysit Ruvik a whole night? But at the same time, he couldn’t exactly expect her to get there faster than that. He didn’t like the idea, but it seemed the easiest option.

He sighed. “Yeah. See you then.”

He hung up, and without stopping to talk to Ruvik, he made another phone call. This one was to Lily. His coworkers had said she was a little young for a phone, but it was times like this he was glad he had ignored their advice.

Even at her party, she answered. She was a good kid.

“Hey, honey… I got called into work tonight. Is there any way you could stay at your friend’s? I’m sorry about this-” A genuine flash of guilt, but this was safer than having her come home. “- Let me talk to his mom.”

Thankfully, it was pretty easy to organize. A lot of people were sympathetic to his situation, a single father raising his little girl, especially with the job he had. The jab of paranoia was unavoidable and he did his best to brush it off.

That wasn’t one of the remnants of STEM that Ruvik was concerned with. It wasn’t something that his hobby had any hope of fixing. Lily would stay at her friends for the night. Simple as that. And Sebastian would survive the wait.

He hung up the phone. Ruvik still wouldn’t look at him.

“You sent her away for me.” He said quietly.

“I sent her away  _ from _ you. Big difference.” With that done, Sebastian dropped down to sit in the chair across from Ruvik. “And now that I’ve done that, you owe me some answers.”

“My intellect is at your service.” He said coolly.

“It’s not your intellect I’m after, it’s your honesty, and that’s a little harder to come by, isn’t it?” Sebastian rolled his eyes. “If you got out when Mobius dropped you’ve been out for almost a year. What have you been doing? It’s not like you to sit quietly.”

“I sat quietly while Mobius had my brain in a jar, didn’t I?”

“Until you didn’t have to.”

“Can you blame me?”

No. He’d heard the recording. Ruvik’s description of what they had done to him. The ruined body he had inhabited in Beacon was just a memory of the body they had pulled him out of. They took what someone else’s crimes had already broken and only cracked it open further.

“That doesn’t answer my question.” Sebastian said instead.

Ruvik turned his head to look away, his hair falling into his eyes. Leslie’s unkempt, sideswept hair, not what Ruvik had once had, when he had hair. Sebastian watched him run his fingers through it, saw the way he watched himself do it as though it was still hard to believe.

“I’ve been… living.” Ruvik said simply. “Or, trying to…”

Sebastian looked at him pointedly. They both knew that was a poor excuse for an answer.

“I was kicked out of the system when STEM went down. I don’t know the details. When I woke up, there was no one around. No one alive, I mean.” He shrugged. It was all the same to him, regardless.

“With no one to stop me, I ran.”

“No plan, no supplies…?” 

“Nothing but the clothes they had left me in.” Ruvik said. “I’ve been running ever since.”

It was hard to think of him like that. Despite everything Sebastian had seen, Ruvik was still very much an aristocrat’s son. It was obvious in the way he spoke, the way he moved. It was even clearer now, where he was whole and mostly well. 

Mostly, of course, because apparently he had been on the run for almost a year. That didn’t sound like it was exactly in Ruvik’s skillset.

“How’d you last that long?”  
“People are pretty easy to manipulate if you take enough time to learn, which I have.” Ruvik said offhandedly. “It’s an imperfect solution, seeing as I hate them, but it’s more palatable than starving to death.”

Sebastian was surprised in to a brief laugh. Nothing in the sentence itself was shocking, but the way he had chosen to phrase it was pretty funny. And it brought up something he hadn’t considered yet; they needed to eat something.

He sighed.

“I’m going to order a pizza. Any complaints?”

“I’m not in any position to be complaining,  _ Seb _ .”

“Not in any position to be pushing my buttons, either, but that hasn’t stopped you.”

Hadn’t stopped Sebastian either, but as usual, this lunacy wasn’t his fault. He was just involved with it. Reluctantly.

And he thought he’d get more whining from Ruvik about the offer, but then again, he didn’t look like he’d been eating well. Kind of hard to keep your stomach full if you were always on the move.

Sebastian called for a pizza and got it delivered. There was no way he was going  _ out _ to get it while Ruvik was still in his house. He wasn’t letting him out of his sight until Juli got there. It would be a lot easier to manage between the two of them.

He could only hope, if she decided to take Ruvik off his hands, that she could deal with it herself. Sebastian thought she could. She wasn’t someone to take lightly.

And what if she didn’t decide to take him?

He was going to try not to think about that.

Of course, he made the mistake of wandering into the kitchen to make the call (the pizza place number was a on a magnet stuck to the fridge, and he had thought nothing of it), so by the time he came back to the living room, Ruvik was standing, looking through the pictures that were hung on the wall.

“That’s your wife.” He said, before Sebastian could say something. Exactly what he would have said, he wasn’t sure, but Ruvik’s comment took him off guard.

“Yeah.” He said, kind of lamely.

“Myra Hanson. I’ve seen her before.”  
“ _Castellanos._ ” Sebastian corrected him. 

“All of her files said Hanson. Forgive me.” The apology was terse, but it was more than Sebastian expected so he let it go. “And this is… Lily.” He pointed at the picture. Of course, he was right. The dark-haired, smiling little girl was indeed Sebastian’s daughter. 

“She looks like your wife. Strange that her genetics would be stronger than yours.”

“Thank goodness for small favours.” Sebastian rolled his eyes. He was about to go sit down (let Ruvik look, if he wanted, Sebastian didn’t have to listen to him) when Ruvik pointed at another picture.

“Joseph.” He said. “You have his photograph on your wall.”  
Sebastian wasn’t sure what bothered him more; Ruvik pointing out the obvious or the fact that he had mentioned Joseph at all.

“He’s my partner.” Sebastian said sharply.

Was. Was his partner. He had a new partner now at the KCPD, and she was fine. Sharp as a whip. KCPD could pick ‘em, that’s for sure. But that didn’t change the sentiment behind his words, not even for an instant.

“I thought that-”

“Despite your best efforts, no.” Sebastian said.

There was a sharpness in Ruvik’s gaze when he looked to Sebastian then. “If I remember correctly, I wasn’t the one that-”

“Kidman has already made reparations. You haven’t.” He felt his pulse tick up, heat crawling into his chest, the first flickers of anger. Then, the doorbell rang.

Sebastian sighed, and went to answer it.

It was for the better. Being angry about what had happened wouldn’t help him now. 

He paid for the pizza, closed the door with his foot and then set the pizza on the living room table before going into the kitchen to get something for them to drink. While the idea of paying host kind of irritated him, it would irritate him less when he wasn’t hungry.

When he came back into the kitchen, drinks in hand, Ruvik had already opened the box and was looking at it quizzically. So, in turn, Sebastian looked at him quizzically.

“What, you don’t like pepperoni?”

“I’ve never had pizza before.” Ruvik said plainly. “How do you eat it?”

“You  _ what _ .”

“When exactly did you expect me to have the opportunity?” Ruvik looked at him, and Sebastian had to concede the point.

“Fair.” He admitted. He handed Ruvik a can of pop (tough luck if he didn’t like  _ that _ , there wasn’t exactly a plethora of choices in the house) and cracked open his own, setting it down before he reached for a slice.

“Easy as that.” He said, deftly pulling the crust apart and carefully lifting the pizza from the box. “I guess no one would have delivered to your house.” He reasoned, carefully taking a bite. It was hot, and he had to be tactical if he wasn’t going to burn himself.

Which Ruvik promptly did.

Sebastian laughed, and Ruvik gave him a look that was nearly petulant.

“What, you saw the steam, and still…?” 

“It didn’t burn  _ you _ .”

“Top part is hot. The bottom part you can touch.”  
“How was I supposed to know that?”

This was definitely his karmic repayment for agreeing to any of this in the first place, and wisely Sebastian chose not to answer. Instead, he decided to eat, and he did not miss how Ruvik watched him carefully in order to imitate his actions.

One Ruvik started eating, he didn’t seem able to stop. Now that he had figured out how to deal with pizza, he seemed ravenous. Were he anyone else, Sebastian would have cautioned him not to choke, but all things considered, he said nothing.

Meanwhile, Sebastian didn’t hurry. He couldn’t finish the thing on his own anyways, he wasn’t as young as he once was. Ruvik was what, ten years younger than he should be, technically? It would take Sebastian a moment to figure out the specifics, but he thought he was in the right ballpark.

Ruvik drained the entire can of pop without even looking at it, and then pulled a face. “That’s disgusting.” He said, proceeding to eat more pizza.

Sebastian was left with nothing but an overwhelming desire that Juli was there with him to see this. She’d never believe him.

Ruvik finished eating. He had consumed markedly more of the pizza than Sebastian had, but he looked like he needed it. When he was done, he slumped back in his chair, every bit the skinny, starving twentysomething he now was. Well, less the starving part, thanks to Sebastian, but the effects of it weren’t so easily erased. His open collar gave Sebastian a glimpse of too-sharp collarbones, and he had an uncanny leanness to his face. 

Leslie would have been 28. Sebastian was running down his clock at almost 42. Ruvik was, truly, somewhere in between. Collapsed into the chair, head back and cheeks flushed, he looked so much unlike himself. It was kind of hard to think of him as being a glorified serial killer and all-around madman while he was basking quietly in a food coma.

Sebastian cleaned up. He left Ruvik sitting there, staring at the ceiling, as he gathered up the empty cans and equally empty pizza box. Lily would notice it in the recycling, so he’d probably have to say that he brought home leftovers from work. She was clever. Eventually she’d outsmart him, that seemed inevitable. He was certain he’d never see it coming, either.

Back in the living room, Ruvik had resurrected himself. He was pacing, and Sebastian merely leaned in the doorway to watch him. He was walking back and forth across the living room (he wasn’t wearing shoes, Sebastian noticed now that he hadn’t been wearing any when he showed up, and he walked across the carpet almost soundlessly with his bare feet) with his hands in front of his face, watching as he opened and closed his fingers.

He did that for some time before he realized he was being watched. Sebastian thought he might jump, or at least be startled, but he actually just spoke without ever really looking up.

He did stop pacing though.

“What are you doing?” He asked.

“Could ask you the same.”

“I thought of how nice it felt not to be hungry. And then I thought of how interesting it was to feel.” He said, lowering his hands. “Because, as you know, it is different to think you can feel than to actually experience it.”

“Not that you can tell at the time.” Sebastian sighed.

STEM sure as hell had a way of making things feel real. He remembered, usually more than he wanted to remember, but specifically now he thought about how he had been in there for, how long was it? Time was weird inside STEM. And he never got hungry. Sure, he had been tired, but grief-tired, pain-tired, not the kind that was cured by sleep. But he still felt. Exhaustion, pain, and other things.

Mostly those, though.

“Even when I had Leslie’s body, I was still myself in STEM. Still felt like myself. I couldn’t shake it. Even now, when it acts up, it all goes back to that…” Ruvik ran his hand through his hair, and then looked at his hand again like he was having a hard time believing what he felt. “After everything I’ve suffered through, everything I sacrificed… my technology worked perfectly, I couldn’t even tell you the root of the problem.”

“You won’t get any answers from me.” Sebastian noted. “That stuff is a little above my pay grade.”

“And your education level.” Ruvik mused. 

Sebastian just rolled his eyes. 

“But you’re not completely useless to me.” Ruvik crossed the room to where Sebastian stood and spoke in a way that led Sebastian to believe he had no idea he understood the irony in the words. 

“Glad to hear it.” He chuckled. Ruvik may not have found it funny, but he did.

“Are you? I haven’t even told you why yet.” He was shorter than he had been, just enough for Sebastian to notice. Taller than he had remembered Leslie being, but that was immediately explainable; Leslie had never stood straight, remaining curled in on himself with the fear that he had constantly been shadowed by.

Ruvik had none of that. Shorter or not, he moved with the same predatory grace as ever. And, he planted himself right inside Sebastian’s personal space, looking up at him with curious eyes.

“I’ve given you a place to stay for the night, haven’t I? And gotten you in contact with someone who might be able to help you out with your little problem. Sounds an awful lot like I’ve been more than useless.” Not that he was exactly vying for Ruvik’s approval anyways.

“There’s something else you could help me with. A theory I want to test.”

“You’ll forgive me if I absolutely do not trust you.” Sebastian couldn’t help the smile that curled on his lips.

“You don’t have to. Not really. You’re not the one who risks getting hurt.”

“Sounds awfully selfless. Doesn’t seem like you.” 

“I can be selfish and still suffer. Isn’t that how we ended up in this situation?”

That seemed a little on the nose, and Sebastian was surprised at how readily Ruvik admitted it. Then again, Sebastian had already nearly said as much. Ruvik didn’t need to believe it if he was just saying it to get Sebastian to agree.

“What’s the theory?” He asked, already knowing he shouldn’t.

Ruvik kissed him. Sebastian was utterly unprepared for it. Of all the things he could have expected Ruvik to mean, this hadn’t been anywhere on the list. For a moment, nothing happened, as he was too stunned to react, but then everything seemed to happen very quickly.

Ruvik’s hands tightened in his shirt, and Sebastian could feel the coolness of his touch. But his lips were warm, and he pressed himself against Sebastian with no reservations. Sebastian wanted to say that he pushed the other man away immediately, but that would have been a lie. 

For a moment, he pulled Ruvik  _ closer _ .

It was a long moment.

And then his senses kicked in.

He pushed Ruvik away finally, but not far enough. It broke the kiss but didn’t break the other man’s grip on his shirt. Nor did it buy him much time to catch his breath as Ruvik immediately pressed close to him again.

“What the hell was that?”

“A kiss. I’m assuming you know what they are. You have a child.” Ruvik said sharply.

Sebastian’s response was consumed by another one of the same and he handled it as poorly as ever. Whether he wanted to try to write it off as an ingrained reaction or a weakness gained from years of being alone, he definitely didn’t handle it the way he should have. Which is to say that the second time Ruvik kissed him, he kissed back with fervour.

His senses were always a little slow to tell him he was screwing up. That voice, that sense of danger that saved him so often in the field, was quiet here. This was a terrible idea. He didn’t need experience to tell him that. But he couldn’t bring himself to care, not nearly as much as he should.

“What are you doing?” He asked, when they broke apart.

“I’ve answered that.”

Sebastian’s hand was buried in his hair, cradling the back of Ruvik’s head. The fine, white strands were soft to the touch. Sebastian wasn’t sure when exactly he had put his hand there, but he tightened his fingers, tugging on the younger man’s hair. He expected some sort of remark, an insult or a demand to be released, but Ruvik only shivered against him, tilting his head back farther and leaning closer to Sebastian.

_ Oh, is that so? _ He thought idly. He tugged a little harder, and earned himself a sound, barely above a whisper, and he watched colour rise in Ruvik’s cheeks.

“Seb…”

“Yes?”

“What are you doing?” The echo of Sebastian’s former curiosity went unnoticed.

“Enjoying myself.” He said.

This time, he kissed Ruvik. Any excuse he had crumbled to dust in his hands. He had enough experience to know when he was in over his head, and here he was. Ruvik’s kisses lost their confidence, taking on a tinge of neediness, of real desire. Sebastian didn’t have to ask for more explanation. Ruvik was starved for affection, for touch, and only too curious about the body he now inhabited. Sebastian had figured that much out. 

Sebastian, of course, had no reason for his behaviour, not one that he could articulate. Nothing but the fact that he  _ wanted _ to, whatever that was supposed to mean. That when Ruvik’s mouth, unpracticed but eager, broke their kiss to make another one of those breathless sounds against his lips, he wanted to make him do it again.

He nudged Ruvik, tilting his head so Sebastian might have access to his neck. The first few kisses were light. Faint brushes of Sebastian’s lips against his skin. Of course, that wasn’t what Ruvik was after and it didn’t take long before he made a frustrated sound.

“Sebastian-”

“What?” He asked, innocently.

Ruvik didn’t indulge him with a real answer, just another one of those sounds. Still, there was something satisfying about how easily Sebastian could wring those responses from him. He grazed his teeth over the spot he kissed, expecting another groan in response.

Instead, Ruvik’s breath caught and he rutt his hips against Sebastian’s own, cursing.

“M-more…”

Figured. Ruvik wasn’t the type to enjoy anything gentle. And wasn’t he constantly marvelling at his own nerve endings? Really, Sebastian should have seen it coming. He didn’t mind giving him what he wanted, not when it made him so eager and pliant. So he did it again, more roughly, and felt as Ruvik’s legs almost gave out.

“Found a spot.” Sebastian said nonchalantly.

“Fuck you.” Ruvik’s breath was ragged and his eyes were glassy. Even as Sebastian stepped back to regard his handiwork, Ruvik looked up at him with an expression that was immediately recognizable as both loathing and lust. It suited Ruvik perfectly, which surprised no one.

“I figured we’d get to that.” Sebastian said.

With a scowl, Ruvik pressed him back into the doorway and kissed him again. With their bodies pressed flush together, Sebastian could feel where Ruvik was hard against him, pressing insistently against his hip. 

Sebastian reached down, working his hand between them despite Ruvik’s reluctance to give him room to do so. From there, it was little effort to rub him through the thin slacks he wore and cover his neck with more red marks.

Ruvik hadn’t sounded this desperate when he died, Sebastian noted. He thought about making that joke out loud, but Ruvik was mad enough at him as it was. The other man’s knuckles were white where they clung to Sebastian’s shirt and he leaned heavily against him, not stable on his own feet.

Sebastian was rusty. Needless to say, it had been a while. His and Myra’s relationship had been strained before she disappeared. He had loved her, but they had both been suffering in such disparate ways that intimacy was the last thing on their mind.

The last person he had held like this had been  _ inside _ STEM. Did that even count?

More than emotionally, of course. Because it sure as fuck counted for that.

Ruvik didn’t seem to care that he wasn’t at his best. Like some hormone-addled teenager, he was thrusting his hips against Sebastian’s hand, shaking in his arms with the force of his need.

A far cry from the man who had held Sebastian up by his own throat.

Then again, neither of them were quite who they had been. Too much had happened for that.

“M-more, I-” Ruvik’s pleading was cut off by a moan, pulled reluctantly from his throat when Sebastian’s teeth found his collarbone. “ _ Fuck _ . I need… I…”

God, if Sebastian had only known he was this easy to shut up. It sure as hell could have come in handy. Not that he was so far removed from being affected. His own erection strained against his pants, eager for every time Ruvik moved against him. 

He had a bit of a clearer head, but he figured that was cynicisms doing. Didn’t mean he wasn’t as fucked, literally or metaphorically, as Ruvik was.

The smart choice would have been to walk away. Instead, Sebastian was undoing the button on Ruvik’s pants. He slipped his hand inside, fingertips brushing sensitive skin immediately. Of course, he had nothing under them. Sebastian chuckled into their kiss.

“Don’t do that.” Ruvik said, trying to glare at him but mostly failing.

“I’m doing a lot of things, you’re going to have to be more specific.”

“Laugh. Don’t laugh.”

“Why not?”

Ruvik looked away, breaking eye contact with him, but didn’t pull out of his arms. This time, he was the one to press kisses along the stubble of Sebastian's jaw.

“... It makes me like you.”

It was an unexpected answer. A shift of Ruvik’s body earned his first sound from the detective, a growl from low in his throat, and Ruvik tried to find the spot it originated from with his lips, kissing along his neck. He was infinitely gentler than Sebastian was, but Sebastian didn’t mind the change in their dynamic.

“Keep going-” Ruvik breathed the words, enraptured with the feel of Sebastian’s fingers. “Don’t stop.”

“You know there’s more to it than this, right?” Sebastian chuckled against Ruvik’s ear.

“C-could, I mean… would you even-”

“I thought that was the plan?”

Maybe it was, but any sort of critical thinking had left Ruvik high and dry at this point. To be fair, Sebastian thought for a moment that he might have misread the question. After all, it could have just as easily been ‘would you even stop talking’, which would have been just as fitting. But Ruvik nodded feverishly against his collar. “Yeah, yeah, I want… I want that.”

When Sebastian pulled his hands away from him, though, Ruvik shuddered and made a weak, miserable sound.

There were two things they needed, Sebastian knew. One of them he wouldn’t have any hope of finding; there were no condoms in the house, none that hadn’t expired years ago. Besides, it wasn’t like he was seeing anyone (and not like Ruvik had the chance to). Not a smart choice, but he’d bank it with the rest of the terrible choices he was making. The other part of the equation was unskippable.

And as reluctant as he was to stop kissing Ruvik, he had to, if he was going to find it. He tugged himself free of the man’s hands and watched as he half-stumbled backwards to fall into sitting on the couch, dazed and overwhelmed. Outside, the day had gone dark, but the living room light gave them plenty to work with. 

Ruvik, his eyes dark and his clothes disheveled, watched Sebastian with a frown.

“C’mon.” Sebastian reached to help him up. “We’re not doing this here.”

The idea of taking Ruvik to bed was frankly kind of appalling, but it was the same appalling as what they had just been doing in the living room. Having Sebastian’s hands on him at all must have been some kind of sin, not that Ruvik cared.

Sebastian cared, just enough to realize how bad it was. Not enough to stop him, of course. And he was too old to be screwing around in the living room anyways.

He pulled Ruvik to his room and did his best to ignore the consequences that idea posed. It was surprisingly easy.

The other thing they needed, well, he could find something, he was sure. He turned to say as much to Ruvik, who was apparently done with being patient. He shoved Sebastian back against the wall (Sebastian could feel the outline of a picture frame pressed into his arm, and dimly noted that he hadn’t heard any glass break, so they were probably okay) with strength he probably shouldn’t have.

For a moment, the world flickered around them. The lips that Sebastian tasted were rough, chapped and cold and suddenly it was gone and Ruvik was warm again in his arms.

He felt him shudder when he settled into himself, heard the sound he made, aching and weak. It must have really fucked with his head, to go back and forth like that.

But, when they parted, the man’s eyes had cleared a little and taken on a familiar sharp glint. So familiar, in fact, that Sebastian hesitated.

“What?”

“I realized that you expertly distracted me.” Ruvik said quietly. It earned a real laugh from Sebastian, although it was a short one. “I was so focused on what I was capable of feeling that I completely ignored the other side of the equation.”

Sebastian quirked an eyebrow at him. His room was dim, seeing as he hadn’t had a chance to turn on the light before Ruvik had gotten handsy again. “There’s another side?” Wasn’t what was Ruvik had been after the whole time? Trust Sebastian to not know what he was talking about. He was pretty sure Ruvik went out of his way to put him in that position.

Ruvik started undoing the detective’s belt without looking down. It was only then that Sebastian realized he must have done up his own pants, lest he had fallen up the stairs. The idea was humorous, but not enough to distract him from what Ruvik was doing.

For someone without much experience, Ruvik made quick work of both his belt and the button under it. “I was so distracted by what I could feel that I forgot about what I could  _ do _ .” Ruvik said simply.

Sebastian had cooled off a little bit in the moments it took them to get to the room, but it didn’t take much to coax him back into the state he was. Ruvik seemed to have figured out what to do with his hands, and somewhere in their exchange of body heat he had lost his icy touch.  Sebastian could not have been more thankful.

Something between the stroke of his fingers and the eerie, calculating gleam in Ruvik’s eye made Sebastian give in and kiss him again, if only to get Ruvik to stop looking at him like he was an insect pinned to a board. The weird feeling it gave him, the uncomfortable mix of tension and vulnerability, did nothing to quiet his desire.

He sure was some kind of fucked up.

Sebastian tried not to squirm, mindful of what he might knock off the wall if he did. Still, Ruvik didn’t make it easy on him. He was an easy target, sure, someone who hadn’t even thought about things like this since- Well, for a while. 

“You have a better idea of what you’re doing than I expected.” Sebastian managed. His own breath was coming short now, ragged around the edges just like he felt.

He could taste the smile in Ruvik’s kiss.

“Always glad to surprise you, Sebastian.”

But it was only half as fun to let him get his way, and Sebastian had already picked up a few tricks of his own. He tangled his fingers in Ruvik’s hair again and pulled, winning himself a quick hiss but more importantly, he felt the way Ruvik’s entire body shifted against him. His hands hadn’t stopped, not the one that was wrapped around him, not the one that was around his shoulders, gripping him tightly. They didn’t stop when Sebastian revisited the marks on his neck either.

He wanted to leave more of them, but his damn shirt was in the way. That could be fixed.

A few leading tugs and Ruvik moved wherever Sebastian wanted him to. In this case, Sebastian guided him back towards the unmade bed and pushed him down into it. 

“I didn’t appreciate that.” He said. There was something heated and thick in his voice, annoyance laced with desire. Sebastian, still standing, already got to work on the buttons that were blocking his way. For a moment, everything shuttered and the fabric under his fingers vanished into nothing.

Knowing what was coming, knowing what he would feel, Sebastian pulled Ruvik into another kiss. Anything to soften the blow, to ease the transition a little bit. Ruvik pulled him down into the bed, burying himself in the other man’s warmth.

And then everything snapped back, and Sebastian went back to his buttons until he could pull Ruvik’s shirt open and grace the pale skin there with the same rough treatment. Ruvik’s touch stuttered, his control slipping. Sebastian didn’t care. He rocked his hips against Ruvik’s hand, his short nails marking the skin of his chest, leaving faint red lines where they trailed over his ribs.

As Sebastian moved further down his body, he eventually pulled himself out of reach of Ruvik’s grasping fingers. In consolation to himself, he undid Ruvik’s pants again and shoved them down far enough to scrape his teeth over the sharp bone of his hip.

Ruvik answered the action with some breathless cursing and by trying to find another way to grab at him, one hand gripping his shoulder, the other winding its way into Sebastian’s dark hair. 

He didn’t pull. He wasn’t trying to hurt him.

From there, Sebastian managed to pull his pants the rest of the way off. Ruvik helped where he could, struggling against lust-leadened limbs to kick them off the last of the way. Sebastian returned to precisely where he had been, marking up Ruvik’s skin.

He ignored where Rvuik was hard, sticky and wanting, trying to strain for some sort of friction, anything to give him some relief. Sebastian gave him nothing and focused his attention elsewhere.

Ruvik’s breath came in hitching little gasps every time he felt Sebastian’s mouth on him again. Despite his state of undress, he wasn’t cold. In fact, he marvelled at his own warmth. Ruvik knew lust; Mobius made sure he did, running him fucking ragged when he had no body to worry about passing out in. It was strange, to feel desire when there was no body to satisfy.

This was worse, and better. 

Worse because before, no one could hear him break down. They could measure the chemical reactions but never the experience. Here, Sebastian's had a front row seat to the entire degradation of his character. 

Of course, it was better for that exact same reason. To feel and be felt. The novelty of reality wasn't lost on him.

“Sebastian-” He felt no shame in the shift of his body. He'd try anything to get Sebastian to touch him where he needed to be touched. Hard to be ashamed when the person you were pleading with had literally seen the inside of your head. How much more intimate could you get?

“Hm?” It was accompanied by Sebastian finding a spot high up on his thigh and sucking on it, his teeth scraping against the skin. It hurt. It hurt so wonderfully. Surely it was just the reaction of the chemicals his brain made, or perhaps his body's exaltation at finally being touched, but it was hard to worry about the clinical side of things when he could feel himself leaking precum and every nerve seemed to alight at Sebastian's touch. Even the scrape of his stubble against Ruvik's skin was nearly too much.

“Stop teasing me!” He barely got the words out before Sebastian wrapped his fingers around Ruvik's erection, making words suddenly much harder to organize. 

“Better?”

At least he moved back up Ruvik's body so he could make the joke somewhere close enough to Ruvik's lips that he could lean up and kiss him despite the scowl that Ruvik wore.

With stubborn, unpracticed fingers, he struggled to undo Sebastian's shirt. It was hard to undress someone else without the added distraction of that someone trying their best not to let him orgasm. At the very least, that seemed as though it was Sebastian’s goal.

He wasn't sure if he was glad when Sebastian decided to help him or if he was more frustrated, because it simply wasn't possible for the man to keep touching him and to undo his shirt at the same time. Ruvik waited impatiently until he was finished so that he might run his hands over Sebastian's chest. 

He was warm, too. Not the seconds-from-catching-fire that Ruvik felt, but pleasantly warm. And he felt solid and real and strong. Not nearly as strong as Ruvik knew him to be, but he wasn't sure you could measure that physically.

Sebastian leaned into his touch. It was more subtle than the show Ruvik put on, but he didn't need more than that. He noticed it, the way he pressed against the feeling of Ruvik's hands. Subtlety wasn't lost on him, unlike some people.

The thought that his patience would be rewarded by the return of Sebastian’s hands, but it wasn’t. Despite Ruvik reaching for him, he leaned over to try and dig something out of the bedside table.

A sideways glance from Ruvik identified it immediately. “Really?” He asked, one eyebrow arched in disbelief at the bottle of massage oil.

“Long story.” Sebastian sighed. Something involving a welcome back gift and one particularly naive coworker’s contribution. It had been hilarious at the time, but Sebastian had no desire to admit to anyone that he would be making use of it.

He had made some joke about getting screwed by the department. This was undoubtedly better.

“You’re sure about this?” Sebastian asked. Awfully nice of him to ask again. It was slightly less honest that he asked the question as he resumed stroking Ruvik’s cock. Even if Ruvik had considered saying no, that made it impossible.

Of course, he had never considered it. 

“You think you’d remember who started it.” He said in response.

Sebastian’s answer was just as acrid. “How could I forget?”

A slick finger pressed against him and Ruvik tensed in spite of himself. Any effort he thought to put into trying to relax was equally hampered by the feeling of Sebastian’s teeth against the curve of his neck. He pressed himself back against Sebastian’s touch, as impatient as he was inexperienced. 

Sebastian’s hand was on his hip, his grip vice-tight, certainly enough to bruise. Ruvik still squirmed as Sebastian worked the first finger into him. It was better to fight it, even a little. The struggle made it more satisfying.

But Sebastian was unrelenting. The first finger was quickly followed by a second and Ruvik’s fingers twisted into the fabric of Sebastian’s shirt. His fingers ached but he almost didn’t notice. The pain was faint and he adored it, the stretch and burn of Sebastian’s fingers moving inside of him. His forehead was pressed against Sebastian’s collar as he tried to move against the other man’s hand. 

This time, when the flicker happened, he barely noticed it.

Sebastian noticed it, though it was without any alarm. The appearance of the man who clung to him while he fell to pieces had changed, but the sounds he made didn’t.

There was something utterly satisfying about the way Ruvik shuddered and held tightly to him, about the way his name sounded falling from bitten-red lips. A twist of his hand and Ruvik threw his head back, snapping back into himself just in time to breathe out a weak, overwhelmed moan.

This might have been more about him than it was about Sebastian, but there was something cathartic in seeing him act so undeniably human. 

He told himself that he moved so quickly, so roughly, for Ruvik’s benefit and not for his own desire. His nails left crescents in Ruvik’s skin, digging a little deeper every time the other man cursed his name. He’d barely been touched, but that hardly mattered. He ached for it, hungered for it with a lust he thought he’d never feel again.

With his fingers still inside Ruvik, he bit just below his ear and caught enough breath to growl out the words, “You have to move.”

“What?” Ruvik’s eyes were dark, glassy with wide-blown pupils, hazed by both desire and confusion. Even asking the question had been hard.

“I can’t like this.” Sebastian pointed out. Even being bent over as long as he had was already started making him feel stiff. “You have to move.”

“God, you’re so  _ old _ -” Ruvik’s groan was heartbroken but short lived. Sebastian spread his fingers and any complaining he was going to voice was cut off by his own whimpering.

“I worked hard to get this old.” Sebastian pointed out.

Ruvik was shaking when Sebastian pulled away from him. He clumsily shrugged out of his shirt, seeing no point in keeping it around, and moved to lay on the bed properly. His head hit the pillow and some distant part of his mind registered that this was where Sebastian slept, this exact unmade spot that he lay in.

It was a distant thought. All of his conscious effort was busy watching Sebastian. He pulled his shirt off and finally stepped out of his pants that had been halfway off him anyways. He got rid of his boxers in much the same careless way. The only light came from the streetlight outside, but Ruvik’s eyes had never been better. Sebastian was cloaked in shadow but completely open in front of him.

He bit his lip, watching Sebastian’s oil-slicked hand stroking his cock. It was the first chance he’d really taken to look at him, all of him, and the shiver that took him then was one of anticipation and yes, fear. Lack of experience made him fear what was coming and it was  _ wonderful _ , to be afraid, to be so sick with desire that his fear barely mattered. 

He wasn’t even afraid of being hurt. Sebastian would only hurt him as much as he  _ wanted _ to be hurt. 

Ruvik was afraid to lose control. And yet, he couldn’t wait for it. In fact, had he not been begging for exactly that? Sebastian climbed onto the bed and Ruvik pulled him close again. He could see the smile on Sebastian’s lips before they kissed again.

“What?” Ruvik muttered against his lips, not wanting to part from him. Sebastian settled against him comfortably, confidently, as though they hadn’t parted, as though they’d never need to. “Why are you smiling?”

“Am I not allowed?”

“Sebastian…”

A warning. Or a plea. Sebastian kissed him again.

“Glad to be close again, s’all.”

Ruvik said nothing, burying his face against Sebastian’s neck. Glad to be close.

He was, too.

Sebastian leaned into him and Ruvik’s head fell back, white-blond hair a mess, his skin a canvas of marks, remnants of Sebastian’s handiwork. When he pressed himself close, Ruvik shuddered and Sebastian hushed him, murmuring reassurances under his breath.

It was so much more than his fingers. 

Ruvik swore and Sebastian stilled, kissing along his jaw.

“No, don’t-” Ruvik pressed back against him. “Don’t stop,  _ please _ , Seb, please-:

So he didn’t. He pressed Ruvik into the bed and sank himself into the warm, desperate body under him. Ruvik pulled him close, his legs wrapped around Sebastian’s hips as he urged him even deeper. Sebastian rocked his hips, every little thrust working more and more of him into Ruvik’s body. 

Ruvik was gasping out panicked, desperate sounds against Sebastian’s skin. Feeling Sebastian’s hips finally meet his, he cried out. It was a feeling he had never experienced, this fullness that seemed to tear him apart, and the beat of someone else’s pulse as they laid so close to him.

“ _ Fuck _ , Ruvik-” Sebastian groaned, but Ruvik pulled him into a hard kiss.

“That’s not my name!” He growled, his teeth finding Sebastian’s lips. When he breathed, he pulled the air from Sebastian’s lungs.

Sebastian locked eyes with him, their bodies flush together, and when he returned Ruvik’s kiss it was measurably gentler.

“Okay.” He said, leaning in to brush his lips against Ruvik’s ear. To have Sebastian there, unmoving, holding him down against the bed was absolutely maddening. Ruvik squirmed, but it gained him nothing.

“Ruben, then…” Sebastian murmured. “That’s better, isn’t it?” It was all he could do to wait, to hold himself in check. He wanted nothing more than to take the man under him and wring him dry of every moan, every curse, every cry. Sebastian shook with the effort of his restraint, but it was worth it to hear the sound Ruben made to hear that name again.

Desire and bizarre, poignant relief left Ruben almost sobbing against him. “Please, Seb, goddamn it- “ Heated kisses along his neck and shoulder, wherever Ruben could reach. Never a whisper of teeth, Ruben’s mouth was nothing but adoring. “Fuck me, for god’s sake,  _ please-” _

Sebastian sure was a sucker for ‘please’. Didn’t hurt with the way Ruben said it, though.

One hand on Ruben’s shoulder, the other on his hip, and Sebastian took him with the need, the hunger of a man who had been starved for too long. Everywhere he touched, he marked. 

Ruben was reduced to a sticky, desperate mess. Sweat dampened his hair, gathered to a sheen on his skin, his stomach was slicked with his own mess. The hand that pinned his hip moved, Sebastian’s rough fingers wrapping around him once more. Ruben thrust into his touch.

He grew up in a god-fearing family, but he had never feared god, only loathed him. He couldn’t remember the last time he prayed.

But he did now. Sebastian’s name was a prayer on his lips, a litany to a god who was tearing him apart. Every thrust, every touch of Sebastian’s hand forced him closer and closer to the edge. He thought of nothing but that, nothing but the release that was promised to him. It was single-minded and selfish and perfect.

His lungs burned, his body ached, and still he yearned for more. There was nothing more in the world than this. 

Sebastian knew none of what he thought, felt none of Ruben’s selfishness. He realized nothing but Ruben’s slick heat, the taste of his name in Sebastian’s mouth, the way he fell so easily to his touches. 

He was so close. Agonizingly close. 

Ruben came with a cry, a piercing sound, vulnerable and aching. Sebastian felt him shudder, felt him overcome by relief. That was what pushed Sebastian to his own completion. A few more rough thrusts into Ruben’s tired, oversensitive body and he too orgasmed. 

Sebastian had to do everything he could not to fall on Ruben, his arms shaking as he ran out of strength to support himself. With a groan, he pulled himself free and won a whimper from the man under him.

With no pretention or hesitation, Sebastian laid down next to him in a heap. 

For a while, there was silence, nothing but the sound of their breathing in the dark. Nothing was said until Sebastian reached over. His hand was warm where it pressed against Ruben’s stomach, but he pulled it away with a groan.

“I guess we should get cleaned up, at least a little…”

Ruben’s eyes had fallen closed. It was all too easy to sink into the afterglow of what had just happened. Still, he had to face the reality of his choices.

“I guess I should find somewhere to sleep.” He said quietly.

“My bed not good enough for you?” Sebastian asked. He laughed. It was a little rough, signs of what they had done were obvious when he spoke, but that didn’t bother either of them. 

Ruben turned to him then. Not the callous aristocrat, not the emotional madman. Just Ruben, for a moment, just a man, dirty and satisfied and tired.

“I didn’t think... I mean, I hadn’t thought…”

“It’s fine.” Sebastian said. “What are you going to do, kill me?” There was no malice in the joke.

“So Kidman can find me here in the morning and shoot me in the head? I think not.” Ruben rolled his eyes.

“Let’s get cleaned up, at least a little. Then we can sleep.” Sebastian leaned over and kissed Ruben’s temple, earning an earnest, surprised look. Still, Ruben said nothing and only nodded.

Ruben had never shared a bed with anyone, not in this way. Laying his battered body against Sebastian’s, feeling the steadiness of his breath, the heat of him pressed skin-close, was amazing, phenomenal in its own quiet way. 

Before he drifted off to sleep, he thought of the marks that covered his throat, and of his shirt, that didn’t.

He wondered what Kidman would have to say about them in the morning. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So this was supposed to be a one-off, but here we are. You wanted more, and I had more to give. There's even more plot if people are interested, but it might be a while before we get to more sex.

Sebastian wasn’t sure what he expected to find when he woke up. Would Ruben be gone? Would his fingers be wrapped around Seb’s throat? Ruben wasn’t exactly a predictable person. The years of trauma and mad science bullshit probably had something to do with that, but the fact remained that Sebastian was still figuring out exactly how much of a bad decision he had made the night before.

When he opened his eyes in the morning, he found that both of his guesses were wrong. The blond man was curled into his chest, as close as he could physically get. Sebastian foolishly had forgotten to set his alarm before they had fallen asleep, but his internal clock woke up him early anyway. The clock next to the bed said 6:30. A whole half hour later than he would have normally woken up. Well, at least he was off today. Nothing to do but sort out the problem that was currently still asleep against him.

Sebastian considered reaching for his phone where it was next to the bed. He could probably get it without waking Ruben up. There was no real drive for him to check it. There stupid little light wasn’t going off, which meant he had no messages. 

He didn’t bother touching it. Sometimes it was nice to just lay around in the quiet. The curtains were closed but weak, early morning light still crept in around the edges. Was it really so terrible to lay here and doze, comfortable and warm under someone else?  
  
Sebastian had forgotten what it was like. Near the end of things, getting Myra to come to bed at all had been a terrible, emotional challenge. He didn’t blame her. If anything, he loved her now more that he understood. He wished he could have understood then.

And of course, in STEM, there had been no time for something like this, not with either of them, no matter how desperately he wished otherwise.

It occurred to Sebastian then, laying in his bed in the quiet morning light, that he was emotional. It was an interesting revelation to have at his age. 

He didn’t consider that to be a bad thing, the more he thought about it. When you realized how easy it was to lose everything, you could decide to care or to give up. He had tried the latter once. 

It was better to care.

Hurt more, of course. A lot more. But it was a price he was willing to pay.

It was too early in the morning for philosophy. Then again, he would have said the same thing at any time of day. Ruben shifted against him, drawing him from his thoughts and Sebastian idly brushed his fingers through the man’s light hair.

Immediately, Ruben tensed. His whole body seemed to lock up, even his fingers tightening against Sebastian’s skin.

Sebastian tried not to flinch where the short nails scratched at him. For a moment, the world around them flickered. The warm, quiet light went red and harsh and the smell of blood washed over him.

“You’re safe…” He wasn’t sure what made him say it. It seemed like the right thing to say. Sebastian had consoled enough shell-shocked kids that this didn’t seem much different.

“You’re here, and you’re safe…”

Ruben looked up at him, his eyes huge and bloodshot, panicked at waking up in such a place, surely. But then everything snapped back. He shuddered, groaning and closing his eyes. But he was himself again. Not the man he was then, but the one he was now.

“I’d say good morning, but I’m not so sure.” Sebastian’s joke was without any real barb to it. It earned him another unhappy noise, and the feeling of Ruben worming his way closer. Sebastian made no move to stop him.

“How are you feeling?” He asked quietly.

It earned him a chuckle that he felt more than heard, Ruben’s breath hot over his skin. “I mean, if we ignore what just happened… Not bad, actually.”

He looked up at Sebastian again then. Guarded, but not humourless. “Feeling some morning-after regrets?”

“For what?” Sebastian asked nonchalantly.

Ruben narrowed his eyes. “You can’t just pretend it didn’t happen.”

Sebastian sighed and looked down at him. “Who said I was? I’m just not ashamed of it.”

That answer seemed to take him by surprise, but if nothing else, it quieted him. Sebastian left him with his thoughts, shifting a little before settling back into his pillow and returning to brushing his fingers through Ruben’s hair. If nothing else, Ruben seemed to have resigned himself to Sebastian’s affection.

Sebastian tried not to think too hard about how easy it was to be affectionate to him. Ruben tried not to think too hard about how much he enjoyed it.

Ruben’s fingers smoothed over the scratches he had dug into Sebastian’s skin and he pressed a warm kiss near the afflicted area. An apology, maybe. ‘Sorry’ wasn’t something commonly found in Ruben’s vocabulary, so to Sebastian, that seemed a fair guess to his motives.

At least, that’s what he thought at first. But the other man didn’t stop there. With no immediately apparent goal, Ruben propped himself up on his elbows and, without ever looking up at Sebastian, continued looking for places to kiss.

This wasn’t a  _ bad _ development, per se. But it wasn’t what Sebastian expected.

This was merely Ruben demonstrating his unpredictability. Undoubtedly there was a method to his decisions but explaining himself aloud would have robbed him of his mystery. Of course, to him, that would have been a disaster.

But it wasn’t so awful to lay there under him, to be kissed and touched with a kind of leisurely heat. Sebastian let his eyes drift closed, sighing quietly. 

Just yesterday, the idea of this would have been laughable. But, things changed. They always did. Maybe this would change too. Maybe it was still changing.

And then Ruben’s kisses when a little lower, and Sebastian’s next breath was a little deeper.

“R-” He stopped himself, catching the habit before it had time to escape him. Ruben looked up at him from somewhere near Sebastian’s hips, raising one of his eyebrows.

“Yes?”

“What are you doing?”

“Having the same discussion I had yesterday, apparently.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes. Still, the way his fingers carded through Ruben’s hair and trailed over the line of his jaw were gentle even in his annoyance. Ruben turned his head, brushed his lips against Sebastian’s fingers, and then went back to what he was doing. 

Ruben wasn’t in a hurry. Those same soft kisses flitted against Sebastian’s skin. They were less soft soon after, and Sebastian shivered at the whisper of teeth that followed. Much of it was as he had done the night before while teasing Ruben, though the other man was being kinder here. Ruben seemed to have picked up most of his tricks.

Sebastian was a little annoyed that he had been in any state to remember them. He was going to have to try harder.

Ruben’s tongue, hot and slick, swept over the skin just inside his hip bone and that finally made Sebastian break his silence.

He groaned. “Ruben-”

At least he didn’t fuck that one up.

“Hm?”

“You think you’d be too tired.” Sebastian joked quietly.

Ruben shrugged. “I don’t know that I’ve ever had a night’s sleep that was as restful as last night.” He said.

He had a point. Sebastian had easy nights, and less-than-easy nights, but the night before had been thankfully dreamless. He had been getting better at dealing with the nightmares but not having to do that was a nice change. 

Ruben was endlessly gentle, even when he wrapped his fingers around Sebastian’s length and looked up at him with lust-darkened eyed. Clearly it wasn’t too early, as Sebastian’s body was only all too eager to react to his touches.

He didn’t hurry. Even as Sebastian shifted under his touch, he was leisurely. He pressed his lips to Sebastian’s erection, but he never pulled his eyes away from the other man. He seemed to have a penchant for staring at Sebastian, but the threat in his gaze was gone. Fascination was left, and desire.

When Ruben took Sebastian into his mouth, the older man cursed.

“Y-you don’t have to, you know-"  
  
“I don’t have to do anything,” Ruben said promptly, stopping what he was doing despite how much Sebastian wished he wouldn’t. “I _want_ to.”

He smiled up at Sebastian. “And you want me to.”

“Y-yeah…”

No point denying it. Not with how badly he wanted Ruben to go back to what he had been doing. Ruben was slow to do so. He licked and kissed every available inch of Sebastian’s cock, those same careful eyes watching him every second he could.

This was revenge for something, Sebastian was sure. Or Ruben just enjoyed watching him suffer. He tried not to think it was that one, as he wasn’t entirely pleased with how much he seemed to enjoy the idea.

He finally cracked, and a heated, impatient sound fell from his lips.

When Ruben laughed, he more than heard it; he felt it.

“Use your words.”

This time, his groan was of frustration. “Are you serious?” he asked, propping himself up to look down at the blond properly.

Ruben smiled up at him, though his hand had not stopped stroking Sebastian.

“You wouldn’t even listen to me if I did.” Sebastian’s laugh was mostly just a huff of amused annoyance.

“Can’t hurt to try.”

Well, it could, but Ruben didn’t seem to be playing that game much anymore. It didn’t take much more of his efforts for Sebastian to reach for him, twisting his fingers into Rubens short hair. Ruben made some sort of noise of approval, but didn’t pull his lips from where they were tasting Sebastian’s skin.

“Fuck-” He should be ashamed of himself, breaking down for someone with a single night of practice. But Ruben was unnecessarily good at so many things, especially when it came to manipulating others. Why would this be any different? “God, Ruben,  _ please _ -”

He tightened his fingers, pulling on his short hair. Whether it was his polite request or the faint pain he incurred, Ruben wasted no more time. 

If he had any complaints for the way that Sebastian pulled on him, he said nothing. And, if he was being honest, he had only the most rudimentary idea of what he was doing. Thankfully, the rules to sucking cock were very simple, and he was a fast learner. The rewards, too, made it a worthwhile endeavour.

The power was absolutely delicious. 

Sebastian was  _ so _ careful. He knew just how much to pull. He knew exactly how much pain to cause to make sure Ruben was hard and wanting despite his current neglect. But the flood of chemicals that came with arousal were dizzying and enjoyable. Ruben had never been particularly fond of intoxicants but  _ this _ , this was something he could get in trouble with. 

Managing breathing and working was an interesting challenge.

At first, he was just breathing through his nose, at least until he got greedy and tried to take Sebastian too far into his throat. It earned him a breathless noise from Sebastian, which made it worth it, of course.

Sebastian was shaking with the effort of his restraint, trying so hard not to press his advantage. Ruben almost wished he would. 

The idea was too much for him to take and he cracked before Sebastian did. His failure was rewarded immediately: he pulled himself up Sebastian’s body and Sebastian wasted no time in kissing him, his nails in Ruben’s skin, warm hands pressing into day-old bruises.

There was just so much to feel. Ruben rocked his hips against Sebastian’s own, eager for the friction, and shuddered when Sebastian finally wrapped his fingers around Ruben’s erection.

“Seb... “ He groaned, breath hot against Sebastian’s neck. Sebastian didn’t answer; he seemed focused on retracing the still-sore marks he had left the night before. 

What kind of a person was he when sucking cock got him drunk off power and so desperate for his own relief that he did half of Sebastian’s job for him? It didn’t matter, not when the other man was touching him. 

With a shaking hand, Ruben fumbled for the bottle on the nightstand.

“Aren’t you sore?” Sebastian asked, his lips brushing the outside of Ruben’s ear.

“Yeah.” He breathed. He knew already that he was, but he couldn’t bring himself to give a fuck. The pain was so good. Everything was. 

It was with reluctance that he pulled himself away from Sebastian’s lips and hands. When he sat back on his heels and was preoccupied slicking up his own fingers he heard Sebastian curse again. Considering that Ruben wasn’t touching him, he was a little confused as to the cause.

He looked down, only to see Sebastian looking at him. Not his face, though, the rest of him. Looking down at himself it was quickly apparent what the cause was; the marks from the night before. 

Ruben was covered in them.

Red marks from Sebastian’s mouth. Bruises and scratches from his hands. Ruben was so pale that even in the dim light, it was easy to see them. 

“I really did a number on you…” He said, apologetically. As if the erection that was still sticky, slicked with Ruben’s saliva and his own precum, somehow didn’t allude to the fact that he was going to do it again.

“How long do they take to heal, on average, you think?” Ruben almost dropped the bottle, having tried not to make a mess with the slippery fluid and failed miserably. He tossed it aside on the bed, cap closed, not caring enough to reach over and put it away properly. 

“Few days for the hickeys-” That felt weird to say. What was he, fifteen? Sebastian smiled. “A week for the bruises?”

Ruben wrapped his fingers around Sebastian’s cock, stroking him idly, his expression thoughtful even as he watched Sebastian tense under his touch.

“Think you could make them last a little longer?” He asked, a smile tugging at his lips.

Sebastian seemed worried about the idea. “You… want me to?”

At that, Ruben  _ did _ smile, although perhaps there was a bit of an edge to it. “You didn’t seem so reluctant yesterday.” He reminded him.

“My lack of reluctance is what worries me,” Sebastian said, which was tantamount to agreeing with Ruben’s request. 

The same smile, the one that wasn’t quite right. Like there was something dangerous hidden just under the surface of it. Ruben leaned back, seemingly content in full view of Sebastian, and reached behind himself. The first brush of his fingers only solidified his hypothesis: he  _ was _ sore. But that was hardly a negative.

Of course, Sebastian reached for him, but Ruben used his other hand to brush him off. It did almost make him lose his balance, though he regained it without any sign of embarrassment.

“Be patient.”

“I don’t  _ want _ to be patient,” Sebastian answered, in a voice that almost made Ruben give in. He shivered, wincing then as he pressed his fingers further inside himself. He didn’t want to be patient either.

The wince won him sympathy. “Hey, don’t hurt yourself…” Sebastian pushed himself up, moving to sit upright so that he could kiss Ruben on the lips.

“I think I can figure this out.” Ruben’s answer was acidic but it made Sebastian smile anyways. Sebastian didn’t argue with him, wouldn’t, not when they had the same goal. Instead, he helped the only way he could, his lips on Ruben’s skin, his hands smoothing over the bruises he had wrought. Gentle for now. It was nothing more than a promise of what was next. 

“Y-you’re not making this any easier.” Ruben was unable to steady his voice, and though he went to say something else it was lost to nonsense as Sebastian’s warm mouth worried over scratches from the night before. He was shaking even as Sebastian tried to steady him. His fingers were not as practiced or even as big as Sebastian’s own and all it did was make him want the other man more. 

He quickly decided that if it was pain he was after, then enough was enough. He shuddered when he pulled his fingers from himself, making a miserable, heartbroken little noise that Sebastian devoured, his lips over Ruben’s own.

When Ruben pushed him back down into the bed, he complied. Still, he reached for him, but Ruben was not so cruel as to deny him that. Ruben moved closer, straddling his hips, putting himself well within Sebastian’s reach. 

Ruben had bruises on his hips. Not exactly hand-shaped, but certainly evocative enough. Maybe they’d be clearer when they were done here? Sebastian didn’t waste time wondering even as his hands gripped him once more. 

The view might have even been better than before. Sure, looking up at Ruben, fixedly, raptly, must have meant something on some level that Sebastian wasn’t willing to examine. If nothing else, it wasn’t the first time that Ruben had commanded his attention so well.

He was a mess of Sebastian’s own handiwork, and he bit his lip as he pressed himself down on Sebastian’s cock. Slick and tight and  _ perfect _ and Sebastian’s nails dug into Ruben’s skin as he refused to allow himself to thrust into him. 

He wanted to. And he knew he could. Would Ruben scream if he did?

Would Sebastian like that?

But he held back. Instead, he watched as Ruben worked himself slowly open, felt the way his body, already aching, was so warm and eager for him. Ruben’s breath hitched every inch he worked himself down, closer to being full, and though he bit his lip Sebastian could hear him whimpering.

He wanted to soothe him. Do something to ease the strain, something to make him feel good. There was little he could do from his position, though, and it would have been hard to do anything that didn’t hurt him.

Except the obvious, of course. Sebastian managed to free one of his hands from where he still held tightly to Ruben's hip and wrapped it around his neglected cock. Eyes squeezed closed, Ruben rocked against his hand, his hips grinding against Sebastian’s.

He finally opened his eyes, his pupils lust blown and dark, and he leaned down to kiss Sebastian breathlessly. It shifted him, pulled him away, and Sebastian groaned. It was so hard to keep still. Impossibly hard.

“Ruben-” He breathed the name against the man’s lips.

“Having a hard time, Seb?” He asked, as though the waver in his voice didn’t make it clear that he was struggling just as much. Ruben kissed along his jaw and then finally, thankfully, started to move. Slow at first, figuring out how to do it without falling as he sat back up. Figuring out what felt best was a process, and right now, it was a torturous one. Sebastian was instrumental to this, but he was just that, an instrument. Something for Ruben’s pleasure.

But that idea was not without its attractions, either. 

Ruben seemed to find a rhythm he enjoyed, leisurely riding Sebastian, moving himself between the delicious stretch of being filled and the warmth of Sebastian’s hand. Sebastian tried to move against him, to meet each of his thrusts, but he still endeavoured not to hurt him.

It was a hell of a view, even if he could feel his restraint falling apart at the seams.

“This is how it should be, I think. Isn’t that right?” Ruben’s breath was ragged and there was a flush to his cheeks but his smile was damningly arrogant. “It’s so nice to see you behaving yourself.”

He should have known that was pushing his luck. Or maybe that was his intention all along? Sebastian was not at his cleverest, had no need to be. He knew an invitation when he heard one. 

It was no challenge to pull Ruben down against him, and then force the man on to his back. Ruben didn’t struggle, not much, nothing more than being surprised would allow him. Sebastian pushed him against the bed, his hips pressed hard against the other man’s. 

Ruben was already a wreck. Even just that, pinning him down and filling him, was enough to shatter his imperious demeanor. Breaking it wasn’t enough to make up for it, though. Sebastian’s teeth found old and new skin to torment. 

This time, when the world flickered around them, he was the only one to notice. Ruben was too far gone to register the momentary glitch in the world.

Ruben squirmed, his erection trapped between their bodies, too full to think, to function, but Sebastian did not relent. 

He had wanted darker marks. He should have known better than to ask. But no matter how he should have felt, he couldn’t bring himself to regret it, even as he strained for something, anything, to bring him relief.

Sebastian found a spot along the curve of his neck, one that made him shudder heavily. 

“Seb, please…!”

He didn’t draw it out. Sebastian would have loved to take his time and wring real, honest begging out of Ruben but he couldn’t stand to hold himself back for even another second. Sebastian fucked into him, his movements rough and hungry. Ruben could not have been more desperate for it and he wrapped his arms around Sebastian’s shoulders, pulling him close. In a heated moment of charity, Sebastian reached between them. He barely needed to touch Ruben before he came undone. 

Sebastian was slow to follow, thrusting into Ruben again and again even as Ruben’s moans faded to rough gasps before Sebastian’s orgasm finally overtook him.

They laid there, still pressed together, as they tried to catch their breath.   
  
Sebastian kissed Ruben, then. Not a lustful one this time. A slow, sweet, kiss. Ruben forced his hands to finally let go of the detective, and trailed shaking fingers over the scruff on his cheek.

Then his head fell back onto the pillow, and he felt his heart finally starting to slow. He winced as Sebastian pulled away from him but the pain was nothing. It was the emptiness that followed that he found distasteful.

Sebastian kissed him again. “You should shower.”

“We’re not going to talk about that?” Ruben asked. The smirk that tugged on his lips was bitter.

“We can talk about it over breakfast, but we’re both disgusting.” Sebastian never seemed to answer things the way Ruben thought he was going to. But that wasn’t a bad answer.

He hadn’t thought about them having breakfast together.

Sebastian nudged his shoulder with his nose. “Come on. I’ll find something for you to wear.”

“And you?”

“I’ll get in when you’re done. There’s only one shower.”

Ruben was reluctant to move. Now, all he wanted to do was stay in bed with Sebastian. He knew that wasn’t a possibility. Was his imminent departure not the reason he had insisted on what they had just done?

The idea of being a one-off, a mistake, was abhorrent. Though he hadn’t lied; he very much hoped that Sebastian’s marks lasted longer than his estimates. He ached in the best way when he pulled himself out of bed. This wasn’t the phantom pain of stitches or the overwhelming feeling of being deeply, inexpressibly unwell.

Just raw, physical ache. It was great. And the chemical after-effects were very enjoyable.

Without clothes, and without much in the way of shame, he finally did get up to go do as he was asked. Any complaints he might have had were purely for the sake of complaining, and of course, based on his own selfish desire not to leave Sebastian’s side. 

He was willing to admit that he felt that way, but avoided considering why. The shower was an apt distraction.

As Ruben got cleaned up, Sebastian threw on something to wear and managed to stumble into the kitchen to make coffee. This wasn’t the morning he expected to have (say nothing of the night before) but he would benefit from some caffeine before he got himself into any more trouble.

Sebastian wondered how much time, in total, he had wasted waiting in front of coffee machines. Too many late nights, early mornings, hangovers, all manner of reasons.

What he had said to Ruben was true. He didn’t regret it. He wasn’t sure that it had been a good idea, but he was sure as hell committed to the fact that he had done it, and he had enjoyed it, even if it was a mistake.

When he heard the shower turn off, he realized he hadn’t gotten Ruben clothes, like he said he would, and hurried to do that. By the time he managed it, Ruben was already out of the shower and with a towel wrapped around himself.

“Busy daydreaming?” He asked Sebastian. The marks looked even darker now.

Sebastian forced himself to look away from them. “Making coffee.” He said.

“Oh.” Ruben answered with the tone of someone who didn’t believe him.

Sebastian rolled his eyes and went back to the kitchen to finish his drink. He wasn’t alone long. Ruben joined him in moments, quiet enough that Sebastian hadn’t even heard him come down the stairs. Sebastian almost jumped to see him there, standing next to the coffee machine and looking for a cup. 

He chuckled when he saw Sebastian’s surprise. 

“You really are distracted this morning,  _ detective _ .” He said, amused. From where he was leaning, Sebastian reached over and opened the cupboard over the coffee maker. Taking that as his cue, Ruben reached inside and pulled down a mug.

“I don’t have to be aware until I’m on the clock.” Sebastian answered lazily. He didn’t miss Ruben’s smile. Couldn’t miss it. Even now, it pulled his eyes with some kind of force he wasn’t sure he understood.

“Feeling that safe?”

“What, are you insulted?”

He was smiling then, too. There was comfort in bickering, and Ruben’s laugh was low and pleasant. He glanced over at Ruben, watching him sip his drink quietly. Sebastian's clothes were a little large on him, but not enough to be inconvenient. They also weren't white, and maybe it was the added colour that made Ruben himself seem less pale and sickly. 

“I’m going to get cleaned up.” He said when he had finished his coffee.

“Leaving me alone here? You really do feel safe, then.”

“What, you’re that committed to causing trouble? You haven’t even finished your coffee yet.” Sebastian said. His tone made it clear he wasn’t concerned. For all his words, he was confident Ruben wasn’t going to get into that much. 

So much of what he associated with Ruben was that relentless drive he had, but that had been his desperation to escape, right? So what was he now? Who was he without that?

Sebastian was still figuring that out. And he didn’t think he was alone.

He wasn't gone long. As much as he wanted to linger in the shower, maybe finally have a chance to process his thoughts, he was hungry and someone was waiting for him. Or, Sebastian assumed he was waiting. Was that too much to hope?

He got washed up and found himself some of his own clothes before returning to the kitchen. True to Sebastian's suspicions, Ruben had gotten into exactly nothing in the detective’s absence. He was standing in the kitchen, his hands braced on the countertop and his back to the door, looking out the window that showed the backyard. 

Sebastian knew the view. Some grass. A fence that had never been painted (though he had thought about it, and he and Myra had talked about it). Lily's swings. 

As much as he had wanted to return the favor, Sebastian didn't manage to surprise Ruben like the man had done to him. 

“Is it nice, living here?” He asked when Sebastian returned. 

“What do you mean?”

“Do you like it?” He looked back over his shoulder at Sebastian, but then turned his attention to the window again. 

“Well… yeah, I guess.” It had been a long time since he'd considered it. They had moved into the house together before Lily was even born. “It's a quiet neighborhood. Close to Lily's school. Close to work.” He shrugged.

“... Is that the kind of thing you think about?” Ruben asked him. There were birds in the yard. There usually were. Once upon a time, they had had a bird feeder. He had fallen out of the habit of filling it but now it occurred to him that he should, as it always did when he looked into the back yard. 

“I mean, usually. When you buy a house. What's it near. What you need. We knew we'd need at least two bedrooms…” At least two. They had talked about having other kids. They wanted them. The only thing holding them back was that Myra would have to leave work again.

She had loved her job, and Sebastian would have never asked that from her. They had still been talking it over when things fell apart. 

Ruben said nothing. For a moment, there was silence.

Eventually he shook his head. “I suppose I'm in the way.”

“What?” Sebastian asked.

“If you're going to make breakfast, I'm in the way. You  _ were _ going to make breakfast, weren't you?” He asked, tilting his head.

Sebastian rolled his eyes yet again. “It's one thing after another with you, isn't it?” But, he was smiling.  Ruben stepped out of the way, going to lean against the counter somewhere where he thought he might not be entirely inconvenient. 

“You can sit and wait if you want.” Sebastian said, nodding towards the living room. 

“I want to watch. Assuming that doesn't make you nervous.” Ruben said lightly. “I don't have a lot of exposure to domesticity, so you'll forgive my curiosity.” 

Sebastian was digging eggs out of the fridge. Omelettes were easy, right? Not that he was a bad cook. He actually knew his way around the kitchen pretty well. However, he usually wasn't this distracted. Ruben certainly was going to distract him, he knew that much already. 

“You never learned how to cook?” Sebastian asked as he gathered things together.

“Who would have taught me?”

“Is everyone you grew up with an asshole?” Sebastian asked. He shouldn’t have, though, because he knew the answer.

“Only kind of. My mother was pleasant, if irrevocably mentally unwell by the end. My father was a waste to have ever existed.” Ruben said plainly. Whether he could have kept going, or whether he hesitated, didn’t matter. Sebastian spoke again instead.

“But your sister was nice.” He said.

“Better than. But she didn’t know how to cook.” Ruben seemed content to settle on that as his answer.

“Your father couldn’t have been a complete waste. I mean, he’s kind of the reason you exist.” Sebastian said. He was chopping peppers and didn’t look up as he spoke. Maybe he should make an extra one? What if Lily was hungry when she came home? He might as well. If not, he’d have it for breakfast tomorrow.

“Are you claiming that’s a good thing?”

“You make it impossible for people to be nice to you.”

“Oh, I don’t think so. Somehow you still manage it.”

Was that an insult or a compliment? Sebastian shot a wry look his way but didn’t remark on it. He could only stand to fall into Ruben’s traps so many times. He went back to cooking, and ignored the way Ruben watched him do it. 

When the world shuttered and his kitchen fell away from his eyes, Sebastian just waited it out. It never used to happen this often. Was it because Ruben was with him? Was he making it worse, somehow? He wasn’t sure.

A glance at where he sat showed him pressing his hands to his eyes, but when the world snapped back he only sighed, relaxing into his chair again.

It didn’t take long for Sebastian to be done. Ruben watched with interest, but at least he kept his comments to himself. Sebastian sat down moments later with a plate for each of them. Ruben looked at the plate with curiosity, but he didn’t seem to hesitate before he began eating. 

“You always this hungry?” Sebastian asked.

Ruben shrugged. “My appetite will probably return to more natural levels once I make a steady habit of eating. Alternatively, I’ve accidentally gained the sort of mentality that people get when they go through food shortages.” He gestured with his fork. “However, I don’t think I’m that far gone. Or that unaware of my own habits.”

Sebastian had actually sort of forgotten about that fact, and would have felt bad for the question had he not answered it so matter-of-factly. He’d heard of the behaviors that stemmed from things like that, usually in kids who were rescued from bad parents.

Which, of course, Ruben had never been. The closest he had come was rescuing himself.

He kept the rest of his comments to himself, at least until he found something worth asking.

“Any good?”

Ruben nodded. “It is good. Are you a good cook?”

There was no malice in the question, just earnest interest. Ruben looked across the table at him in curiosity. Sebastian laughed.

“Sort of? I guess? I’m not bad.” it was Sebastian’s turn to shrug. “I haven’t killed anyone, and Lily never complains.”

“Would she?”

It was a fair question and Sebastian mulled it over before he answered. “I mean… she wouldn’t complain. But she’s a smart girl. If she hated it, she would find a way to let me know. Gently.”

Ruben was thoughtful, but said nothing for the moment. Whatever he might have broke the silence with never came. As they were finishing eating, Sebastian heard the front door open.

“Dad? I’m home!” 

Ruben saw the change in Sebastian immediately. It was nothing outright, but Ruben should see the shift in his expression, the change in his body language. When he spoke, Ruben could hear it in his voice.

“In the kitchen, honey. How was your sleepover?” He called. 

Ruben was very used to Sebastian’s voice, he thought. He had heard it in anger, in fear, in lust. He had heard it dripping with sarcasm. Ruben had heard him talk to other people, too. His companionable tone with Kidman, on the phone. His professional tone when talking with her in STEM. 

The way he talked to Myra. 

The way he talked to Joseph.

This was different than all of them.

“It was good! Once everyone went home we just watched some movies. This morning, Justin’s mom made pancakes!” Lily came into the kitchen then and Sebastian had gotten out of his seat to greet her, giving her a hug and a kiss on the head.

“Where they good? I’m sorry about having to do that on short notice. I’ll have to call them again to say thank you.”

Lily hugged him back tightly. “They were so good! And we didn’t get in any trouble. Since I stayed, I even got to help them clean up after the party!” Of course, that would be something that made her happy.

When she stepped back from her father, though, she noticed the other man sitting at the kitchen table.

“Oh… Hello!”

Her smile was Myra’s, but her dark hair she had gotten from her father. She looked to Ruben with surprise, but no unhappiness.

“Hello.” He said easily, giving her a slight wave.

Sebastian was about to explain, to tell Lily at least something about why this man was in their house, but he was not as fast as his daughter who walked right up to Ruben without fear.

“You look kind of familiar.” She said.

“You too.” He said. Sebastian was looking at him strangely but Ruben pointedly ignored him, smiling at Lily where he sat.

“I… don’t remember from where, though.” She said, frowning. 

“It is kind of hard to remember.” Ruben agreed amicably. He held his hand out to her. “My name is Ruben. I’m an associate of your father’s.”

She shook his hand with both of her own. “I’m Lily! I’m a child of my father’s.” She answered back smartly.

He laughed and looked at Sebastian. “She tells better jokes than you do.”

“That’s not true.” Lily was laughing too but shook her head. “Dad makes me laugh all the time. He’s  _ very _ funny.” She said it with such unabashed fondness. 

Lily had a way about her, a child or not, that made her quite charming. At the same time, it was probably those very qualities that made her such a good candidate for being a STEM core. It made Ruben angry, though he didn’t show that. How disgusting of Mobius, to have pulled this girl from her loving home.

Some people didn’t get to have those, and they had to go out of their way to ruin the life of someone who was so lucky.

_ Bastards. _ Was it hypocritical of him to think that? He didn't care.

He said none of this. He only smiled at her. “Okay, okay. You’re right. I think he is very funny too.” No lie there, even if some of those jokes happened to be at Ruben’s expense. “And I am sorry for the trouble I have caused. I’m afraid I was the reason you had to stay at your friend’s.”

“It’s okay!” She said, shaking her head. “I’m glad my dad can help you!” She looked over her shoulder at Sebastian then. “But maybe we should do something to say ‘thank you’ to Justin’s mom and dad?”

“I think that’s a good idea, honey.” Sebastian agreed from where he was leaning against the kitchen counter.

“Maybe we could bake them something?”

“As long as it doesn’t have peanut butter in it, right? Justin’s the one that’s allergic?”

“You remembered!”

Ruben watched them talk. It made him happy to see it, though he wasn’t sure why. There were other emotional responses as well, more complex ones, that he felt no motivation to delve into. Not was not the time to psychoanalyze himself. Though the future was uncertain, there was one thing he was sure of; none of the answers he sought were buried in the tangled web of feelings he felt rising to the surface. He needed nothing from them, so he wouldn’t waste his time caring about them.

“I’m going to go upstairs and play videogames.” Lily turned to her father then. “I want to check on my farm!”

“Okay.” Sebastian smiled. He brushed his fingers through her hair. “I’m going to get some more work done with Ruben. Juli’s coming over later, too.”

“Juli!”

“Yeah, she should be here in a little bit. Go play your game. I’ll call you when she gets here.” Sebastian told her. His smile for her was different than any Ruben had seen. To be fair, he hadn’t exactly seen Sebastian smile very often.

Lily seemed thrilled at the prospect of seeing Kidman, but before she ran off to play games she looked  over to Ruben again. It was a concerned look, not a suspicious one, and she asked Sebastian if she could show him something.

“Yeah, of course, honey…” He said, following her from the room.

A moment or two later, Ruben heard footsteps on the stairs, too light and quick to be Sebastian’s, and then the detective appeared back in the kitchen.

“Something wrong?” Ruben asked.

Sebastian was rubbing the back of his neck and the smile that tugged at his lips wasn’t the same as the one he had for Lily.

“She wanted to know if you were okay, because it looks like you have some bruises.” Sebastian said slowly. “She was worried you were hurt.”

Ruben laughed. He couldn’t help it.

“She is… incredibly kind. And blessedly naive, for your sake.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes. “She’s ten. It won’t be that way for much longer.” He slid into the chair across from Ruben again, where he had been before Lily came home. Still, he wasn’t looking at the other man, seemingly distracted by his thoughts.

“She’s remarkable. I have no experience with children, but even I can see that it is true.” Ruben said.

Sebastian sighed. “She really is…”

“Kidman will not be so easily fooled.” Silence had followed Sebastian’s words, but they could not avoid the topic forever. Ruben had no shame in broaching the topic. “Although, any effort to hide them won’t exactly be subtle…”

He wasn’t worried. What did he have to fear? It was likely that Kidman didn’t think very well of him. The worst she could think was that he had somehow twisted Sebastian into letting Ruben take advantage of him. Insulting, but even if that was her conclusion, what did that matter to him?

He knew the truth.

Sebastian chuckled and shook his head. “I resigned myself to her judgement this morning. Not a whole lot I can do about it. Besides, I have nothing to hide from Kidman."

‘Juli’ when he was talking to Lily. ‘Kidman’ when he was talking to Ruben. He said both of them with the same inflection, the same warmth.

“It’s that easy for you?” Ruben wondered.

“Kidman’s already seen me at my worst. Being embarrassed about anything less than that seems a little over-dramatic on my part.” Sebastian said sensibly. He took a look down at their plates, still on the table, and realized that he hadn’t done anything with them yet. He collected them together and put them in the sink. He’d deal with them later.

“Your worst?” Ruben asked.

Oh, yeah. He wouldn’t have known. Seeing as he was still in Mobius-induced hell at the time, not that Sebastian was sure what that entailed. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know. 

So he sighed, sat down again, and answered the question. “You know that drinking problem I had going into STEM the first time?”

Of course he did. Rather than say so, Ruben merely nodded.

“Well, I got out. I lost my apprentice, my partner was dead, and everyone thought I was crazy. So…”

“So it got worse.”

“It got worse. For the three years in between…” Sebastian looked away, running a hand through his hair. “To be honest, I don’t remember a lot of it. Bits and pieces. I wasn’t fired so much as… quietly let go.” He sighed. “That’s how Kidman found me. And convinced me to go back into Union.”

“To save Lily.”

He nodded. “On a good day, the idea of shutting Mobius down would have been enough, even if she couldn’t have said as much when she made the offer. But… I wasn’t having a lot of good days. It was the only thing that got through to me.”

“And now… there are more good days.” Ruben said quietly.

Sebastian looked at him then, and the look itself was enough of an answer. More, yes. More good days. But not  _ enough _ . There would never been enough to undo what he had survived.

What did you say to that? 

He was still mulling it over when there was a knock on the door. Whatever he might have said, he had lost his chance. Sebastian did not get to his feet immediately; Ruben saw the hesitation, felt the extra seconds where Sebastian’s eyes did not look away from his own.

And then the knock came again, and he finally went to answer it. The reprieve was brief, but Ruben had a lot to think about.

“Coffee?” Sebastian asked. Kidman looked much as Ruben remembered her, if more comfortable. She looked to him with a lack of surprise, at least at first. Then, of course, she saw the state of him, the marks that Sebastian had left on his throat and the line of his jaw. The same marks that had caused Lily such concern.

Ruben opened his mouth to say something, and she held up her hand. “I don’t want to hear it. I’m going to say hello to Lily, and you can try to think of some kind of a lie that explains that.” She said. “No cream in the coffee, Seb.” She added.  
  
And then, as quickly as she had come, she was gone. Ruben heard her going up the stairs and he was left chuckling quietly to himself at the table. 

Clearly she did not know him very well. He had no intentions of lying about it. He’d never lie about something that made him so proud.

Sebastian, not without a trace of amusement, made her a cup of coffee and offered another one to Ruben, who accepted it. When Kidman rejoined them, Sebastian pressed the mug into her hands wordlessly.

She took the chair he had been in at the table, and Sebastian found his usual spot against the countertop again.

“I leave you alone for five minutes.” She said to him.

Sebastian shrugged. “I’ve made worse decisions. Besides, I’m not the only one at fault, here.” He didn’t seem very upset by her words, but if Ruben had to guess, it seemed likely that Kidman wasn’t saying them to hurt him. Their dynamic was different now than it had been once. He was still learning it.

“He’s crazy, I don’t expect him to make reasonable choices,” Kidman said offhandedly.

“Was.” Ruben corrected. Both of them looked at him.

“Was crazy.” He said, calmly. “And arguably, more motivated than insane, though I’ll admit that I was notably unwell. I was dealing with a lot of unaddressed grief at the time, not to mention the trauma of not having a body and having my mind routinely experimented with.”

His eloquence surprised Sebastian. It didn’t seem to to surprise Kidman.

“That’s fair.” Kidman said with a nod. “Though, that does mean that you don’t get to be off the hook for… whatever happened.”

“I have no desire to be.” He smiled at her. “I’m just as guilty as Sebastian. Gladly so.”

“That’s about as much information as I want.” Kidman shook her head and took a sip of her coffee. “I think I have an actual reason to be here, don’t I?”

“The flashes. The STEM echos.” Ruben said, nodding. “I suspect they’re a result of Mobius bastardizing my technology for their own boring desires. But, since it _is_ my technology, I might be able to do something about it.”   
  
He looked between the two of them. “Sebastian also suffers from these after-effects, and attested to the fact that you do as well. With that in mind, I thought you might be convinced to help me find a way to stop them.”

Ruben had no problem switching back and forth between the mannerisms he used for Sebastian and the more professional tone he seemed to favour to talk to Kidman. Sebastian noticed the difference but didn’t comment on it. He sipped his coffee and waited.

If he needed to intervene, he would. Otherwise, he expect that he would have little to do with their discussion.

Juli thought it over for several moments before answering. “While the idea of stopping them sounds tempting, and I might have access to what you need… I am a little busy at the moment, and can’t really be dedicating my time to something like this, even if it would make life more comfortable.” She sighed and looked to Sebastian.

Ruben, of course, looked between them curiously.

With a sigh, Sebastian set aside his coffee to explain. “Kidman has been trying to… figure out where Joseph is. Sort of.”

“I have his body.” She said plainly. “But as you know, that’s only half of the equation.”

Ruben said nothing at first. He wasn’t looking at either of them, but at his own sock feet against Sebastian’s laminate flooring.

Then he nodded and looked up. “You think he’s in there. In the remnants of STEM that’s still running.” When Kidman nodded, he continued. “The same remnants that are causing these echos. We’re after the same thing.”

“We’re not.” Kidman said. She leaned on her elbows to look at him across the table. “Because if you decide to help and you shut this thing down before we have him out, he’s lost. That’s not an option.”

“Then I  _ don’t _ do that.” Ruben answered. “I’ve lived with it this long. I’ll wait.”

“Will you?” She asked.

He didn’t look at her. He turned his gaze to Sebastian, and there was no levity or amusement in it. “You want me to get him out of there?”

Sebastian didn’t hesitate. “Yes.”

“Then I’ll do it.” He turned back to Kidman. “Assuming I can. But if  _ anyone _ can, it’s me. And you know that.”

She sighed, but it was clear she didn’t have much in the way of an argument. “You want to help me save him, and find a way to cure the after-effects. The only thing I have to worry about then is getting killed.”

“By me?” Ruben laughed. “Why? For once we have the same goals.  _ You _ are not Mobius. Haven’t been for some time, if my information is accurate. As long as that remains true, you have nothing to fear from me.”

His smile was sharp. 

She rolled her eyes. 

“So we have a deal, then? You come with me, and help me deal with this STEM problem. In return, you get the chance to stop the echoes that have been causing you so much trouble… and I won’t hold the fact that you’re a bodysnatcher against you.” Kidman said.

“You were going to shoot him.” Ruben said warmly. “I found a better use for him. That’s all. I don’t think that’s worth a grudge. The result is the same in the end, isn’t it?”

Kidman stood up and looked over to Sebastian. “Wish me luck, he’s my problem now.” She said, unfazed by his words. He seemed more amused by that than anything, and he stood then as well.

“I suppose I’ll be leaving with your clothes…” He looked from Sebastian down at himself. Sebastian waved him off.

“I can get more clothes. And you’ll need to, eventually. Keep them.” He wasn’t exactly hard done by in that department and he waved the idea off. 

“Kidman, you know how to get ahold of me.” Sebastian said then, looking to her. “Just… keep me posted, okay?”

“I will.” And for the first time since she had turned up, there was real warmth in her voice. Her expression wasn’t exactly sympathetic, she wasn’t quite so open, but it was something. Ruben didn’t understand it, but Sebastian seemed to have no problem doing so.

It wouldn’t do to puzzle over it. Apparently they had places to be. There was one thing Ruben wasn’t leaving without, and when Sebastian stepped forward to walk them to the door, he took his chance.

It was easy to grab the front of his shirt and pull him into a kiss. Ruben didn’t care that it was in front of Kidman. In fact, he sort of relished it. And Sebastian certainly didn’t push him away.

When they parted, Ruben fixed him with a look that Sebastian couldn’t read.

Juli was calling up the stairs to say goodbye to Lily, and soon the girl jumped down the stairs excitedly to hug her before she left. Ruben and Sebastian met them at the front door.

“Are you going to come back and see us soon? For a real visit?” Lily asked her.

“I’m gonna do my best.” Juli said, hugging her. “You gonna take care of your dad for me?”

“I will!” She said. Then she looked up to Ruben. “It was nice to meet you again.”

“It was nice to meet you again too, Lily.” He said. 

When she opened her arms for a hug, he looked surprised. But, he knelt down to be at her height, and she hugged him. He was surprised as how pleased he was by this.

“I hope you feel better soon.” She said with a smile.

“I’m sure I will.” He told her reassuringly. 

Ruben stood up then, and he looked to Sebastian though Juli was leaning in the open doorway, waiting for him.

“I will get him back.” He said quietly.

Sebastian seemed unsure what to say. He settled on, “Be careful. Both of you.” His eyes flicked over to Juli, who was watching him calmly.

Ruben turned to go but hesitated, finding one final thing to say.

“Don’t forget me.” He said to Sebastian, quiet enough that  Lily didn’t notice and Juli couldn’t hear. Sebastian would have asked him what he meant but he never got the chance. Ruben turned, nodded to Juli, and stepped out the front door. 

Sebastian had no idea what he meant by that, and was a little worried he might not get the chance to find out. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me so long! Believe it or not, I actually had to set this aside to finish a book. Who would have thought.  
> No porn in this chapter, unless you count mindfucking as porn in which case, there's a little.  
> Everything Is Terrible. There's a fourth chapter planned, but because some fucking idiot (me) decided that these chapters are so huge, they take a while to write out. Don't be afraid to yell for more, it's very motivating.

Ruben left the house without shoes. He didn’t own any and highly doubted that he’d fit into any of Seb’s. It was one of many things he was currently lacking. He was surprised, but only barely, when Kidman’s first stop was a department store. 

“Come on.” She said, stepping out of the car and looking at him critically when he didn’t follow. He suspected he’d be seeing that look a lot in the coming days.

“I don’t think that’s wise.” He said calmly.

“Why not?”

“I don’t think I want to have an episode, in there, in front of all those people,” Ruben said. “And I don’t think you want to be the one they’re looking at when I do.”

“They’re that bad?” She asked.

“You go back and forth between your current and past self. I go back and forth between this body and _ my _ body. You can guess how bad that might be.”

“... Fair.” She said eventually. Then she shrugged. “You’re also not wearing shoes, so I don’t think they’d let you in anyway.”

He blinked at her. “Is that really a rule?”

“Yeah.” She sighed, sitting down again in the driver’s seat but not closing the door. “So what do you need?”

“Anything. Everything.” Ruben shrugged. “I’d say that you can see yourself what I have to my name, but even that is a lie. These are Sebastian’s.”

“Right.” She pulled out her phone and started jotting down things they needed off the top of her head. 

“No allergies?”

“Did Leslie have any?”  
She groaned. “Are you going to be like this the whole time?”

“I’ve stopped being angry. If I stop being insufferable, I won’t have any personality left.”

“Well, you’re right.”

For a moment Ruben was both surprised and very mildly offended. A glance at Kidman showed that she might have been smiling, just a little. She stood up out of the car again. “Don’t get into anything while I’m gone.” And then she was.

Ruben took a deep breath and closed his eyes. 

He should turn his mind to the challenge ahead, use the silence to flesh out his admittedly skeletal theories as to the predicament they found themselves in.

But he didn’t. He thought of Sebastian.

Not even lustfully, not now. There was nothing heated or desiring in the way Ruben remembered him making breakfast, the way his nose was crooked from being broken, the way he talked to Lily. 

He appreciated everything else, the more carnal parts of the time they had spent together, but he knew instinctively that he would spend a lot of time thinking about those parts. He was used to lonely nights with nothing but his work and he was familiar with his own habits. He’d spend plenty of time thinking about Sebastian’s mouth, his hands, his cock.

No, these thoughts were lighter. They were also more painful. And yet, he could not seem to will himself to think of something else, anything else.

He wanted to remember Sebastian’s low laugh and his knowing glance, even if it hurt.

Ruben laughed a little at himself. He had a lot of feelings for a recovering madman. That was good, probably, rather than bad. The whole experience hadn’t left him deadened. He was intellectually aware of the results of trauma, but everything was different when it was experienced firsthand. He appeared to have retained full function of his emotions, if not the ability to manage them. That was a challenge yet to be seen.

He had been angry for a long time. He could feel it there, still. It would not be quiet forever.

Thinking about Sebastian was a great distraction, though.

He heard Kidman open the door, and at once became acutely aware that he was unable to refer to her as Juli. She was Kidman, and her and her sensible high heels were in a state of perpetually being done with him and his… idiosyncrasies. These things were a constant and they were, in a way, reassuring.

“Here.” She tossed a plastic bag at him, full to bursting with stuff. Clothes. Soap. 

“Shoes?” He asked.

“Yeah. You better be thankful I still remember Leslie’s file.”

It occurred to Ruben then that he had actually forgotten about that. Despite his joke earlier, he had been all too ready to give his own shoe size. But, it seemed unlikely that it was the same.

Something to think about.

“Thank you, then.” He said.

She smiled.

Kidman had a good smile. Not a pretty one, he didn’t think so, but an honest one. Art was complicated like that. Laura had a pretty smile. It had made her whole face light up, made her eyes sparkle. Kidman’s wasn’t like that.

But it suited her.

He didn’t ask where they were going. What was the point? He’d see when they got there and knowing Mobius, it wasn’t exactly out in the open anyways. He spent his time digging through the bag of things that Kidman had gotten for him, and when that had lost its novelty, he stared out the window.

She turned the radio on. Nothing good was playing, and Ruben idly wondered what kind of music Sebastian liked. 

It was strange the things you collected about people in STEM. Ruben knew what his guilt felt like. He knew the depth of Sebastian’s love, the destructive tide of his anger, every hitch in his gait and every fleck of colour in his eyes.

But not what kind of music he liked.

Strange how that worked.

They drove for hours. He wasn't sure when be dozed off, but he woke up when the car finally pulled to a stop. He didn't recognize where they were. Chances are he wouldn't have fared any better in the daylight. 

The car's headlights cut through the shadow and illuminated a rundown looking bunker with a rusted door. Set dressing. Mobius hadn't been under long enough for anything of theirs to  _ really _ be so neglected. This had been a deliberate choice, to make the building look abandoned and inconspicuous. 

But it did explain why meeting Sebastian for coffee was a chore.

“So this is where you've been working.” He said.

“Not exactly five-star, but it's still got power and the water runs.”

“And it has the technology we need. That  _ is _ why we're here, right?”

“Everything is still up and running.” She nodded. He grabbed his bag and followed her when she got out of the car. Soon the headlights clicked off and plunged them into strange, navy darkness. 

The world was oddly quiet with the silence of the car engine. There were no city sounds. Only cricket noise and the very faint hum of distant machinery.

When the world flipped, Ruben watched Kidman stumble. She didn't lose her footing, though. She shook her head and looked back to him. By then, his attention had been pulled back to himself, the sweeping weakness that knocked him to his knees. Pain erupted where his knees hit the ground, but also where he felt the skin of his face split open again.

He didn't scream. He couldn't get the air for it. 

He made a choking noise instead and tried to pull in another lungful of air. The submersion seemed to last forever. 

When it finally passed, he wasn't even aware of it at first. The ache was persistent, and he jumped when Kidman put a hand on his shoulder.

“You alive down there?” She asked.

“Depending on your definition.” It was hard to get to his feet. Suddenly he was cold, right down to his bones, and he wrapped his arms around himself. 

Kidman grabbed his bag. Together, they made their way inside the bunker. There was nothing of worth on the first floor. Of course not. It wouldn't do to keep Mobius technology so easily accessible by wayward, rule-breaking teenagers. 

They passed through a door that Kidman had obviously hijacked sometime previous. From there, they headed downstairs. That would be where all of the interesting things were. 

It was pretty depressing, the inside of it. There must have been bodies at some point: it didn't smell anymore, but there were marks on the cement that Ruben knew all too well. Kidman must have cleaned it up. He did not envy her.

Now, it was all pale concrete and flickering fluorescents. This definitely wasn't one of their more lived-in locations. 

“There's some rooms here. The beds are kind of shit but-” She walked ahead of him and he saw her shrug.

“I’ll live.”

There were only a few rooms. A very modestly equipped kitchen, a bare-bones lab where Ruben suspected he would be spending most of his time, the small collection of bedrooms. There was a bathroom and a STEM immersion room. That was the one that Ruben headed for immediately. 

Two immersion units. One of them was occupied. 

Joseph Oda, his glasses still sitting on his nose, laid there. He looked worse for the wear, but Ruben could sympathize. Ruben was the only person present who had been under as long as Joseph had.

It was terrible. There was no denying that.

“We're here to shut down the STEM remnants that are causing the echoes, and to pull Joseph out. If we can.” She said quietly. He hadn't forgotten why they were there, but he was not upset by her being so upfront.

“We can.”

“You haven't even looked yet.” She said wryly. 

“No one stays stuck in STEM but the core,” Ruben said. He hadn't looked over at her when she spoke. He was staring hard at the man in the mad-science induced coma.

“The core… has gone dark.”

That got his attention.

“What?”

“Myra took Lily's place as the core, but I think STEM might have been too degraded and unstable, even with a core, to withstand the change. There’s been no sign of her in any of the systems.” Kidman said. She did not enjoy saying those words. Ruben could hear it in every syllable.

“No contact with the core… but STEM is still active... “ He muttered. No wonder it was acting so strangely.

“You’ve told Sebastian?” He looked her way sharply. 

“You don’t need to be so defensive of him.” Had that really been his tone? Ruben frowned. Kidman kept talking. “Of course I told him. He’s my friend. Myra’s my friend too. Was.”

Her correction made it clear how much the idea stung her. Friendship wasn’t exactly Ruben’s forte but suffering was, and he thought he had some idea of her feelings. Loss was a universal constant, wasn’t it?

“It’s only more imperative that we get Joseph, then. It’s got to be a mess in there.”  _ And Sebastian’s already lost enough people _ .

He didn’t say that part out loud. 

There was no point in trying to get to work that night. It was late. The rooms were barren and ugly but it hardly mattered. Ruben didn’t want them to be lovely; he wanted them to be cluttered. He missed his office, his lab. His  _ notes _ . 

He slept fitfully. It had been a stupid idea to sleep away the day in the car. Served him right. There was another flicker at some uncomfortable hour of the morning. He was half-awake, writhing and groaning in bed until it passed. When he woke, he wasn’t sure if it had been real or just a nightmare. 

What was the difference?

At least this place had coffee. Kidman had probably seen to that. It was pretty terrible coffee, but he didn’t really care. Waking up before her had the added benefit of giving him a chance to look around unassisted. 

He needed materials. There was a lot of those laying around. Mobius hadn’t exactly left voluntarily, and they hadn’t the time to take any of their supplies. It was a nightmare to figure out how they had organized things, but he knew that was shortly going to be the least of his problems.

By the time Kidman was awake, he was already working. Reveling in his compulsions was remarkably freeing. He had almost forgotten how good it felt to work. The task itself was challenging; he had to re-teach himself the system that he supposedly created, but the bastardization of it that was so different than the program he had made. Mobius were nothing but thieves and con artists with an armoury… Or they had been, at least. 

It was hard to work while being so insulted. 

Progress was slow. It was hard to make any headway when he had to decipher everything the system had become. Kidman was no good to him for his; she was smart, and she was capable, but this was a puzzle beyond her reckoning.

She was mostly responsible for keeping him supplied, and for reminding him what time it was. He often got lost in his work, pouring hours into staring at screens and papers with no thought of his own necessary maintenance. 

Kidman watched the clock and yelled at him when he waited too long. She ended up yelling at him a lot in the first few days.

The flickers still happened. It made her feel sick to her stomach to see the world turn over, but it was worse for him. He was quiet, usually, when the world turned over. Struggling to breathe while hunched over at his desk, papers falling to the floor as he hurried to try and hold himself together.

The first time she heard him yell, it was out of frustration, and she half expected him to upend the table in his fury.

If he was being honest with himself, he almost did it.

With a groan, he ran his hands through his hair, and when he sat back down he bypassed his uncomfortable chair entirely and sat on the floor.

“You need a coffee?” Kidman asked him.

He gestured vaguely to the table, where his cup sat precariously close to the edge. It was still half full.

“What you need is a shower.” She said, when he proceeded to continue sitting on the floor making frustrated sounds.

“I showered this morning,” He frowned at her.

“It’s good for your brain,” Kidman said. “Give yourself a break. Maybe you’ll think of something.” 

He wasn’t going to move. She came over and actually shoved him with her foot, and though he spared her a disgusted look, he pulled himself to his feet. When standing he sighed, rubbing at his eyes. 

_ Might as well take her advice _ , he thought. Nothing else was getting him anywhere.

There was one shower. It was grey tile, always cold, and not very big. On the plus side, they had they had plenty of hot water. He cranked it, just like he always did. He liked the heat. He was always cold, he found. Never quite producing the kind of energy he needed to keep himself warm. He didn’t like the way the water reddened his skin, though. It reminded him too much of the fate he had so narrowly escaped.

No ideas came to him. Well, nothing besides hitting his head on the goddamn tiles but considering he had already been stapled together once, he had no desire to repeat the experience. 

Ruben extricated himself reluctantly from the warmth and dried himself off. He caught his own eye in the mirror and stopped, looking at himself. Like a bird, he thought derisively, distracted by his own appearance. Still, he wasn’t used to it. 

He leaned a little closer.

Leslie’s face. Except it wasn’t. He didn’t look like Leslie anymore, he thought. Maybe it was a trick of his brain, but he didn’t think so.

Leslie had a softness to him. Ruben didn’t. He thought that the biggest difference was the eyes. He rubbed at the red in his cheeks, willing his usual colour to return. He didn’t like how uncomfortable it made him.

Looking a little lower, he could see the marks that Sebastian had left on his skin. They were fading as they healed, and they no longer ached. He missed that as much as the marks. 

It was strange, as a person who had been put through so much pain, that he had such fondness for certain, specific kinds. There was undoubtedly research there worth doing, but nothing he had time for.

He ran his hand over the bruises and sighed. He felt kind of lonely without the ache, honestly.

Ruben went back to work.

The first piece of good news wasn’t even from him. It was a phone call from Sebastian. Ruben hadn’t heard it ring, maybe he had been too lost in thought, but when Kidman started talking and it wasn’t to  _ him,  _ he knew something was going on.

It was made quickly apparent who she was talking to, and as she came back into the lab he made no effort to hide the fact that he was listening to her. She shot him a look and then went back to her conversation.

“Yeah, he’s right here. Just hold on.”

He should have been ashamed of how excited he was, that Sebastian was on the other end of the phone and that he had asked for him. He took the phone with a faint smile, and Kidman left him to it.

“Hello?” He asked.

“Hello!” Not Sebastian.  _ Lily _ . Ruben found himself confused but not disappointed.

“Oh, hello.” He said then. “Lily, dear. What a pleasant surprise.”

“Dad said he was going to call Juli and that you were with her and I wanted to say hi! And to see if you were feeling better.”

“How thoughtful of you.” No sarcasm from him. There was an argument to be made for him being heartless but Lily hadn’t done anything wrong. Besides, it  _ was _ incredibly thoughtful of her to think of him, a stranger. She was certainly something.

“I am feeling much better.” He lied. Undoubtedly there were certain subjects that Sebastian would rather Ruben not teach his daughter. The way pain could be craved, the way it could become something precious, was undoubtedly one of them.

“That’s good! My dad was worried about you, and so was I.” She said. He could do nothing about the smile that brought to his lips. 

“There’s nothing to fear.” He reassured her. “How are you, are you well?”

“Yeah! We had breakfast for dinner!” She sounded excited. “Dad made waffles.”

“What? I want waffles.” Ruben said, finding in fact that he did indeed, now that he had thought of them. Perhaps it was merely the idea of Sebastian’s cooking that appealed to him. He did not think he would have been able to tell one from the other. 

“Oh, my dad says he wants to talk to you.” She said, and didn’t  _ that _ just make his heart flutter like a damn teenager. 

“Well, in that case, it was nice talking to you, Lilly,” He told her, natural as could be.

“Bye, Ruben!” She said.  _ Thank god for her being ten _ , he thought. He had never considered himself to be exceptionally partial to children but were she older, these things would be markedly more difficult. 

“Hey,” Sebastian said. The phone did nothing to rob his voice of its power. Ruben closed his eyes, not cursing himself out so much as merely sighing at his own predictability.

“Hello, Seb.” He ran his hand through his hair and rocked his chair back down onto four legs. At some point in talking to Lilly, he had leaned back in it, but trying to talk to Sebastian like that would surely lead him to a broken neck.

“How are you hanging in there? Juli said it was… kinda rough.” Sebastian asked.

“She’s not lying. Mobius certainly left me a fucking mess.” He admitted. “But, I’m working on it.”

“Just don’t burn yourself out,” Sebastian said. 

“I’ve done a lot worse than what Kidman will let me get away with. I’ll live.”

“Is that a promise?”

Ruben was tempted to throw the phone. He didn’t, because he had no desire to have Kidman’s sensible heels shoved down his throat for breaking her cell. But the idea occurred to him very suddenly, and it had its appeal. Surely Sebastian wasn’t doing this to him on purpose?

Though he had every reason to be cruel to Ruben, he certainly hadn’t shown any tendency to it. Ruben was forced to conclude that he was being sincere, and that was infinitely worse.

“I promise.” He said quietly. 

“I’ll call you guys again soon, okay? I just wanted to check up on you.”

He made a decision then, at that moment, and knew he wouldn’t be swayed from it. Ruben had made plenty of bad choices before. There was an argument to be considered that he consistently made bad choices, and he was aware of that. But even knowing that, and even being aware of it at the time, he had always thought he made the better choice.

Even now, knowing he was making a bad choice, he still thought it was the better one. He wasn’t sure Sebastian would agree with him, and thus, he said nothing.

Instead, he said. “Thanks, you know. For doing that.”  _ Not like anyone else would,  _ he thought. And not just for him. Kidman didn’t exactly have a wealth of people worried about her, either.

“Well…” Ruben could see Sebastian rubbing the back of his neck, he could hear it in the tone of his voice. “I mean, we’ve gotta look out for each other, don’t we? After all the shit we’ve been through…” His voice dropped to be audibly quieter when he cursed. Lily must have still been nearby.

“Yeah…” Ruben sighed. The decision had brought with it a sense of finality that felt unusual to him. It was a strange combination of bitterness and determination and pride. Well, to be honest, maybe  _ those _ things weren’t so foreign.

“I’ll call you guys again soon, okay?”

“Yeah, talk to you later.” Ruben hung up the phone. At some point in the call, Kidman had left the room. Probably a good idea. If he was going to do something stupid, he’d pretty much rather do it alone.

No risk, no reward, right? Although even if he succeeded, he couldn’t see much of a reward in his future. Somehow he had always pictured ‘selflessness’ as something  _ nicer, _ not something as spiteful as this was. But who was he spiteing? Past him? Mobius? Did it  _ matter? _

He abandoned his desk and went to the STEM terminal, the one that Joseph was still attached to. It’s empty pod still waited, and he finally knew what it was waiting for. 

Of course, he wasn’t finished by the time she came back.

“What are you doing?” Dear god, her suspicions were right on the mark, weren’t they? No wonder Sebastian had thought she was such a good detective. She walked into the room and immediately knew he was up to something he shouldn’t be. It was impressive, honestly.

“It doesn’t really matter how I answer that because you won’t believe me.” He said without looking over at her.

“Let me guess, something dangerous.” She crossed the room and looked over his shoulder where he worked, but he managed to get one more comment out before she realized what he was doing.

“Well, if I had known I could just be  _ honest _ , well-”

“You’re going in there?” She demanded. “Are you crazy? You’re going to get yourself killed. You’re not even sure how much STEM there is to go in to.”

“And I won’t find out by  _ theorizing _ .” He told her. “Nothing I have is helping me, I’m not making any progress, if something is going to change it is going to be because I  _ make _ it change.”

Kidman sighed. “You  _ are _ crazy.”

“‘Crazy’ isn’t a legitimate diagnosis.”

“You’re the worst.” She said, but there was no venom in it.

“I do try.”

“Get out of the way,” Kidman said then, elbowing him in the side. She did it with some force, actually, and he stepped aside enough to look at her with a frown.

“Don’t look so offended. If you’re going in there, I have to be out here to help you deal with all the bullshit you’re about to put yourself through.” She said shortly. “I’ve played co-pilot before, I know what I’m doing.”

“For Sebastian, going into a functioning STEM program.”

“Wasn’t functioning when they yanked Lily out, was it?” She said, shooting him a look without slowing what she was doing on the computer. “Do you want my help or not?”

Well, he wasn’t about to say  _ no. _

Ruben let her handle things, and he grimaced when he lowered himself into the STEM pod. Glorified bathtub that it was, he didn’t like the fluid that seeped into his clothes. It wasn’t cold, but it didn’t feel  _ good _ .

“You’re sure you really want to just jump in there? Like, immediately?” She asked him.

“Before I lose my nerve.”

He heard her stop typing, then, but neither of them looked at the other.

“I have no idea what kind of a shithole you’re going to open your eyes to, but I should be able to talk to you once you’re in. If I can’t hear you, I’m yanking you out.”

“Don’t trust me to do it on my own?”

“How am I supposed to know if you’ve got him if I can’t hear you?”

She had a point. He had to give her that much.

“Brace yourself, this is not gonna be good.”

He did, taking a deep breath just as he felt himself drop out of his own body.

At first, there was only pain. Heavy and nauseating, he couldn’t even open his eyes. His skin felt like it was on fire and there was an ache deep in his skull. He didn’t have to look at himself to know what that meant.

He was himself again. His old self. His  _ true _ self. 

He hated it.

With a groan, he forced his eyes open and looked around. A Mobius office. Still standing, and apparently mostly unharmed. That was a good start. When he pulled himself out of the unit, he finally looked down at himself; same clothes, different body.

He rolled his eyes, despite the way it hurt to do so. Thanks a lot, STEM. Couldn’t give him his old clothes back, but settled on his body. Well, as long as he still had access to the back doors he created in the system, he’d just have to deal with it.

He might throw up a few times, but whatever.

It really was amazing the things you could adapt to if you gave yourself enough time, wasn’t it? He leaned against the STEM monitor and tried to get his breathing under control. Even  _ that _ hurt, sharp knives in his chest with every breath. 

He heard Kidman calling to him, and fought with his swimming vision to find the communicator that was the source of it.

“Ruvik?”

“Kidman.” He sounded different. Different vocal cords, or just because of the pain? 

“Good, I can hear you. How bad is it in there?”

“Not sure yet. Room looks fine. We’ll see what kind of bullshit we’re dealing with when I get out of here.”

“There’s two pods by that monitor, right? There should be.”

There was. He told her so.

“Good, get Joseph into one of those and I should be able to yank him. Get yourself in one and same goes for you.”

He grabbed the comm, and immediately reversed his feelings about his clothes. You know what he was lacking on his old clothes? Pockets.

“If I can find him. Where am I headed?”

She might have said something but he didn’t hear her. Stepping outside of that one room, he was made immediately clear the depth of the problem he had gotten himself in to.

It was Beacon, or trying to be. But everything was in a constant state of flux. Ruben recognized the hospital immediately, even with the walls twisting and various parts of its being fading in and out of existence. 

He wanted to be unphased. Emotionally, he was. But damn if that shit wasn’t hard on his eyes. They didn’t like working as it was, so watching the scenery tie itself in knots wasn’t helping him.

“Ruvik! You still there? Can you hear me?”

“Yeah, sorry. Distracted by this place doing its best Escher impression. Where am I headed?” He asked sourly.

“Probably away from where it is the worst. The distortion is because it's breaking down. I can’t see a whole lot moving in that direction.”

“Moving?”

“Well, I can see  _ something _ moving, but I can’t tell you if it’s alive-alive or, you know.”

“Haunted.”

“And I can’t tell you which one Joseph would be.”

Ruben cursed. Looking outside of the building itself, he saw nothing. The rest of the construct seemed to have collapsed. Was there anything left of Union? Maybe. That was ‘closer’ where Myra had been heard from last. Hard to determine distance in a place that didn’t exist.

But there was something he could answer. 

“Those things you’re seeing aren’t Haunted. I made those.” The pride in his voice was hilariously out of place but he couldn’t bring himself to apologize. “So whatever you see alive is something else.”

“Why do you sound like that’s good news? That just means that you don’t have influence over them.” She snapped. “Be careful.”

At least, not innate influence. Again, she was right. He wasn’t entirely without power, though; the areas he walked through stabilized at his touch, his bare feet on the cold tile floors of the asylum immediately forcing them to stay both real and stable. Walls that twisted, distorted and flickered became calm at the touch of his fingers.

Part of him had missed interacting with his reality in this way. Everything was so  _ malleable.  _ But his stabilizing influence was a good sign. It might be enough to help him get Joseph out of there.

Might.

Nothing he had seen so far prepared him for his first contact with another ‘living’ thing. Living might not have been the right word. Life in STEM was pretty cheap. ‘Animate’ was probably closer to technically correct. The first  _ animate _ thing he ran into was a goddamn monstrosity that he actually stopped in his tracks to stare at.

“Kidman.”

“Yeah?”

He hesitated.

“Don’t come in here, okay?”

“Ruvik, you can’t just  _ say _ that.”

“Ruben’s fine.” He finally corrected her.

“That’s not the point!”

He let her yell, not taking his eyes off of the creature even as he shoved the communicator back in his pocket. What he was looking at was some sort of… collected consciousness. Whatever fragments of people had been left in here had eventually coalesced into  _ that _ . It wasn’t even person-shaped anymore, although it had occasional, person-shaped appendages.

It was vaguely spherical, with many grasping arms and failing legs. Faces tried to surface from the mass of limbs, but never for very long. Arms reached out, grasped at nothing, and retreated back into the ball of flesh. Legs uselessly walked in the air. Faces, panicked, gaped out at the word before being pulled back into the undulating mass. Their fear only made sense; if they had any sentience at all, they existed for only a moment to look out at a world that was beyond comprehension before they were consumed once more.

It didn’t  _ look _ dangerous, but that was a theory that he had no desire to test.

He took a different route.

Joseph was somewhere in the hospital. That was all that was left. It narrowed his search down to a single location, but one that had no predetermined size. Finding Joseph might actually be impossible if he was flickering in and out of existence the same way the world was. Then again…

“Kidman.”

“Yeah?”

“When you’re monitoring me, what do I look like on the computer?” He asked, referring to the read-outs that were created by his status as a walking anomaly. Frankly, everything that walked in this place was an anomaly, but not for the first time in his life was Ruben a special kind of strange.

“You want me to try and tell you?”

“No,” He said, realizing what a task that would have been. “But now that you can see me, I want you to look for something that looks like that.”

“There shouldn’t be anything in there that looks like you. What are you seeing?” She asked, misinterpreting the cause of his question. He shook his head even though she couldn’t see him.

“No, no… It’s not that. Just look, please.”

He waited there, impatient but trying to keep his mouth shut as she worked. He wanted to close his eyes, give them a break from the world that they wouldn’t process, but even for him that was dangerous. 

“Well, fuck.” He heard her say.

“Found something?” He asked, more brightly than he intended. He loved being right.

“Yeah, it’s not  _ as _ crazy as the information you’re putting out, but it’s a pretty close correlation. What am I looking at?”

“Joseph.”

“How is that possible?”  
“You don’t stick your fingers that far into someone’s brain without leaving a mark.” He said. This time, there was no happiness in his tone. His feelings on the matter were aptly voiced by Kidman.

“I’m not sure how I feel about that.”

“Good thing it isn’t about feelings then. Where am I going?”

The good news was not only did she now have a read on Joseph, but that he wasn’t jumping all around the system. There were some minor flickers, enough that he hadn’t stood out when they were looking for him.

But with Ruben’s own data to compare, it made him much easier to pick out among the mess.

Kidman could give him a direction, if not specific instructions. It was hard to tell him how to get there when the route changed of its own accord. It always calmed at Ruben’s touch, but everything ahead and behind him jumped and twisted at random. It took him a while to pick his way through the maze and to avoid the amalgamations. They didn’t seem to notice him, too caught up in the constant, perpetual distress of their own existence.

Once they got Joseph out of there, they could shut this whole thing down. Being wiped from existence wasn’t so awful an idea if your existence was nothing but constant suffering.

Ruben was hoping to spot Joseph before he was seen, himself. To give him some idea of what was left of him. Maybe to give him time to think of what to say.

But he wasn’t so lucky. When the hallway ahead of him snapped back into existence, it connected with a dead end that had been just as solid, though just as disconnected, as where he stood.

Joseph was there. He looked no different; time in STEM was nothing. An idea. An illusion. He didn’t appear to be any different than the last time Ruben had seen him, not on the outside.

But the mind perceived time whether or not the world around it was programmed to do so. It wasn’t as though his experiences in STEM would cease to exist when he was free.

The terror on his face when he saw Ruben was just as fresh, only Ruben found that he no longer enjoyed the sight.

“Did you find him?” Kidman, from his pocket. No time to answer her, though. Joseph had decided to be proactive about his fear. Of course he had. STEM was not a forgiving place. It didn’t lend itself well to hesitation.

Ruben should have expected the hit that followed, and the wrenching pain that accompanied it. It hurt more than he had expected. Was this body not two steps from death already? Had it not already endured so much? The surprise of it was enough that Joseph knocked him off his feet, pinning him to the tile underneath him to hit him again.

Ruben tried to pull his arms in front of his face to defend himself, so Joseph grabbed him by the collar and yanked him forward. The sense of intimacy was flooring to Ruben. He knew this man. He knew the texture of his fear, the warmth of his anger. Even now, Joseph’s screams were fresh in Ruben’s memory. 

“Where’s Sebastian?” He demanded, a question so sudden and shocking that for a moment Ruben could say nothing.

Blood dripped from his lips, and from where Joseph had split the skin of his cheek. His head hurt from where he had hit it on the floor when Joseph had tackled him down. 

“Not here,” Ruben said eventually. He was trying to figure out how to elaborate when Joseph hit him again.

Of course. He had no idea that Sebastian had escaped. How could he know? He had been dying one moment and awake the next, Kidman and Sebastian gone, the world around him falling apart.

He was angry and afraid. And Ruben, of course, was the man he blamed for that. Rightly so, maybe. Ruben didn’t have time to care. He was trying to stop Joseph from taking him apart. 

He was a lot stronger than he looked.

Ruben was unable to get a word in edgewise, nor could he fathom what he might say to ease Joseph’s defensive nature. He simply wasn’t sure it was something that words could accomplish.

Thankfully, Ruben didn’t need words. Not here.

It was like stretching a muscle long neglected, the feeling of pulling on his influence in the system. He felt rusty and slow but the satisfaction was immediate and immense. The  _ power _ , oh, how he had missed it. The ability to bend reality to his will. When he breathed, suddenly there was more of him, he was fuller, he could feel it throughout his whole body.

And he did no more than press on that power, ever so gently, before Joseph started to scream.

Ruben was not a new man, nor was he sure he desired to be one. He was who he was. Unchanged and unchangeable. The same man who had risked his life to re-enter STEM was the one under Joseph now, whose mouth watered to hear the fear and pain in his voice.

“S-stop, stop…!” Joseph pulled himself away from Ruben, his breath rough and ragged, his gloved hands tangled in his short hair.

“Stop it! Not again!”

But Ruben didn’t stop. He needed Joseph not to fight him. If Joseph wouldn’t listen, he would  _ make _ him behave. And if part of him enjoyed it, well… How convenient. He pressed a little harder, getting to his feet and stalking towards where Joseph had retreated.

“Get out of my head!” He screamed. But when Ruben knelt down to be at his height and tilted Joseph’s face so he might look into the other man’s eyes, he didn’t fight back.

“You’ll thank me for this when it’s all over,” Ruben said calmly.

It felt like stepping into a dark room, submersion into shadow, when he reached so deeply into Joseph’s mind. And from there it was simple. He merely turned out the lights.

Joseph slumped over, unconscious.

Ruben’s whole body shivered in something close to arousal. Power was intoxicating. Then the communicator from his pocket went off again, and he reluctantly reached for it.

“Ruben! What’s going on?” Kidman demanded.

“I found Joseph. He fainted.” Ruben said nonchalantly. He reached out, trailing his fingertips down the side of Joseph’s face, along the line of his jaw. “I’m bringing him back to the room. Shouldn’t take me long.”

He licked the blood from his lips. 

His affection for Sebastian was different, but there was no arguing that he was alone in the way he affected Ruben. Joseph, too, was someone of interest, though Ruben couldn’t put his finger on why. Not that it mattered. He had retrieved what he had come here to do. 

He dragged him, although carefully, back to the office. 

It was easier getting back than it was finding him, even with the added weight. When Joseph’s glasses fell off, Ruben heard them clatter against the floor.

Though it would mean nothing in the end, he still went back for them.

“Kidman, it’s done.” He said, leaning against the STEM pod. Joseph’s lifeless body lay in it, still unconscious under his influence. 

“I need you to get in there, too. Then I can yank you both at once.”

“This place is going to collapse without us holding it together.” Ruben pointed out.

“Shouldn’t it have done that already? Or was whatever was left of your influence over Joseph really enough to hold it together?”

“The answer is either ‘yes’ or ‘I don’t know’ and neither of those are good answers.” He said. “But if I leave now… I don’t know if I’ll be able to get back in.”

“Why would you have to come back?”

“... because if Myra is still in here…”

He didn’t get an answer right away. Ruben waited, his fingers tapping out a shapeless rhythm against the side of the pod. 

If he left, that would be it. No more shaping the world in his vision. No more sinking himself into other people’s minds, embracing or destroying their consciousnesses.

But there was no one left in STEM to toy with, and this visit into himself only made it clear how much he  _ loathed _ this form. Hated the ache of it, the constant pain and the weight of sadness it carried.

His dream had been for a new life. For him  _ and _ for Laura. But there was nothing left of her in here, either. If there was, she would have come to him. All this place did was remind him of his suffering and his failure.

He couldn’t wait to get out.

“I checked one last time…” Kidman said. The communicator robber her voice of any emotion… or maybe that was her own doing. “There’s no sign of her. We should get you out of there before it gets any worse.”

He didn’t argue with her. When he next opened his eyes, they immediately flickered closed as he sank back in immediate relief. The pain was gone. Leslie’s body again.

Although, he thought, he might as well start calling it  _ his _ body, now… since the other body no longer existed and neither did Leslie Withers.

When he opened his eyes again, Kidman was there. She sat on the side of the pod and was looking down at him in concern.

“Did something happen?” He asked.

“Well when the first thing you do is wake up and then look like you passed out again, I’m going to come and see if you’re alive, yes.” She said.

“And Joseph?” He asked, pushing himself out of the awful liquid. 

Kidman nodded over to the other pod. Ruben clumsily pulled himself free from the machine and over to the other man, where Joseph was sitting up and rubbing his eyes.

The first thing he saw when he blinked out at the world was Ruben, and though it wasn’t quite the same face he had seen moments ago in STEM, he had no problem recognizing him. He proved that when he hit him, punching him in the jaw. Ruben fell back, not stumbling so much as falling to the floor.

Whatever Joseph had been through, it obviously hadn’t impacted his ability to defend himself.

Ruben lay sprawled out on the concrete, his hand pressed to where Joseph had hit him. The dark-haired man was struggling to push himself out of the tub, and Kidman went to him rather than to Ruben.

“Joseph! Hey, calm down!” He managed to get out of the pod and he, too, fell to the floor, looking around himself wildly. When he saw her, finally, it seemed to get through to him.

“Kidman…” He said, looking from her to the room they were in, the STEM controls, the windowless concrete walls, Ruben sitting up and slumping against the wall, still reeling from being hit.

“Where am I?” He asked. When he looked up at her, it was more than just confusion in his eyes. She had never seen someone look so honestly  _ lost _ .

“Where’s Sebastian?”

Of course. That would be what he asked first.

“He’s at home,” Kidman said, kneeling down. She gave him some space but wanted to be near enough to stop him if he was going to lash out. “You’re back. It’s over now.”

Yeah, over. Except for the years of psychological trauma. 

“You shot me.” He said then, and Kidman sighed.

“I did. I know we’re not the best people for you to wake up to…” She said. “A lot has happened while you were trapped.” Enough that she wasn’t exactly sure where to start. “It’s going to take a while to catch you up. But you’re out. You’re safe.”

Joseph took off his glasses and set them on the ground, resting his head in his hands. Kidman couldn’t blame him. Anyone would be overwhelmed.

“How long was I gone?” He asked after a long period of silence.

“I think you should probably get some rest before we get into that.”

“ _ Tell me _ .” He looked at her sharply and even without his glasses his glare was so intense that she almost recoiled.

“Four years.”

“Four years?!” He snapped. “You... “ Joseph shook his head. “You left me in there for four fucking years?!” The pain in his voice was like nothing she had ever heard before.

“It’s not that simple…” Not that it did much to dissuade how guilty she felt. 

“You shot me in the head and then left me in that  _ place _ for  _ four years _ . What part am I missing, exactly?” For someone whose vocal cords hadn’t been in use for four years either he certainly had no problem letting her know how furious he was.

Wasn’t a whole lot of fun to be yelled at… but she couldn’t blame him. 

“A lot, actually.” She sighed. Then she pulled her cellphone out of the pocket of her jeans and held it out to him.

“Call him.”

“What?” He asked, perplexed.

“Sebastian. Call him. His number’s right there.” He took the phone and she pointed to the screen, where the green button would do just that. “I get that you’re angry, and you have every right to be. But someone’s been worried about you for four years, and I think he could use a phone call.”

Joseph shot her one long look of awful desperation before he hit the button and held the phone to his ear. She could only pray that Sebastian would answer him.

“Hello?”

“... Joseph? Is that you?”

She watched Joseph press a hand to his mouth, muffling what sounded like a sob. At that, she stepped back. Might as well give the guy some peace. Maybe Sebastian would do a better job of handling this than she was.

“Joseph, thank God. Are you okay?”

“I…”

Sebastian swore under his breath. “I mean, don’t answer that, I… I guess you probably don’t want to. That’s okay. I’m just happy you’re alive…”

“... am I?”

“What?”

“Am I alive, Seb?” He was shaking, and he couldn’t seem to stop. “It all feels the same. How… how do I know this isn’t a lie? A dream?”

“Did you dream while you were in there?” Sebastian’s voice was level. He knew the answer, but telling him wasn’t the same as him realizing it. Joseph was very obviously not alright… but they had to start somewhere. 

“...No. I… No.” Joseph answered eventually. Of course not. There was no need for sleep in STEM. But then again it was no wonder he was so fucked up. His mind had been awake for four years. To say nothing of the horrors he had seen in that time.

“So even if you are dreaming, you’re still out,” Sebastian said. 

“I hate it,” Joseph said, shuddering. “Seb, I  _ hate _ it.”

“Joseph… I’m going to have Juli bring you here, okay? But you have to get some rest. Please, just try and get some sleep. You sound like you’re exhausted.”

Joseph was probably a lot of things. Exhausted was only scratching the surface. 

“I… I don’t want to hang up.” He stammered. He hadn’t raised his head, hadn’t looked up since he heard Sebastian’s voice. There was nothing here he wanted to see. “Kidman, she… she  _ shot _ me, Seb. And  _ he _ -”

He had no words for Ruben, only one lone syllable of overwhelming loathing.

“I know…” Sebastian sighed. “But Juli’s been working her ass off to get you out. And Ruben... He was the one who made it work, I guess…’

When Joseph said nothing, he kept speaking. “I’m not telling you that you should be thankful. I’m just telling you that they aren’t going to hurt you.”

“I’m so tired, Seb… Everything hurts and I’m just so fucking  _ tired. _ ”

“I can’t come to you, but I can have Julie bring you to me if you’ll let her. Then we can deal with this together.” He wasn’t just going to let Joseph try to deal with this shit on his own. From the way he sounded, it was going to be some time before he was even capable of considering that. 

“Will you let her do that?” He prompted. 

It was Joseph’s turn to sigh, but even it came out shakily. “Yes.”

“Try to get some rest tonight,” Sebastian told him. “It’s late.” As if time suddenly existing made any difference to how tired Joseph was. As if sleep would actually make him any less exhausted.

“And I’ll see you tomorrow,” Joseph said. It was the first thing that hadn’t come out broken or stammering.

“Yes,” Sebastian answered him, certainty in his voice.

“Okay.”

Joseph hesitated, and then hung up the phone.

He grabbed his glasses from where they lay on the floor, and true to form, he felt a little more put together with them on. Not that it would last. He wasn’t so naive as to believe that. But for now, at least, he felt a little more himself. 

When he pulled himself to his feet, he needed to use the wall beside him to help. Still, he made it, and he crossed the room to hand Kidman back her phone.

“Here,” he said, setting it on the table in front of her. He didn’t look at Ruben where he sat, not even at the bruise that was darkening on the side of his face.

“Is there somewhere I can sleep?” He asked her plainly.

“Yeah…” Her glance his way was hesitant, but he wasn’t sure if it was because she was concerned or because she thought he was going to lash out at her, too. He wasn’t. With sleep so close at hand, the promise of not having to think was simply too strong for him to desire anything else.

Kidman led him out of the room and showed him where the beds were. With them out of the room, Ruben got up and went to the terminal again, snagging her phone on the way.

He pulled up Sebastian’s number and called him back.

“Joseph?” Sebastian asked right away, despite it being Kidman’s phone. Ruben felt a twinge of disappointment.

“It’s me.”

“Oh, Ruben-” But no disappointment in Sebastian’s voice, not when he said Ruben’s name.

“Is Joseph okay?”

“As okay as he can be. Kidman is getting him to rest.”

“It’s late. You should probably rest, too.” Sebastian told him.

“I still have a system to shut down,” Ruben said. “More now than ever. Can you imagine how badly one of those flickers would fuck him up? The longer we wait, the more of a chance that happens.”

Ruben wasn’t certain why that was the example he chose, why it was the first one to occur to him even before his own suffering. Maybe because he knew it would play well to Sebastian. Still, he wasn’t going to sleep until this job was finished.

For a while, Sebastian said nothing. Undoubtedly thinking over the awfulness of the idea that Ruban had stated. Joseph was in no state to endure a trick that cruel. 

“Then why are you calling me?” He asked.

“Maybe I wanted to hear your voice.” A child’s lie. Joking about it was so much easier than admitting it. Before he could give Sebastian a chance to consider the truth in his words, he kept talking.

“All I can say is thank god Mobius and Kidman found you two to bring into STEM. Anyone else wouldn’t have lasted.”

“Staying alive is a hell of a motivator.”

“ _ Normal _ people wouldn’t have lasted. Healthy people, I mean.”

“Well, we sure as hell aren’t healthy  _ now _ .” Sebastian pointed out.

Ruben shook his head even though Sebastian couldn’t see him do it. “No, I mean, you weren’t healthy going into it. Look at the pattern of who STEM has favoured on the inside. Nobody good, or at least, nobody with a full deck.”

Ruben himself was explainable. He  _ built _ it. Of course it catered to him. But Stephano, Theodore, Myra… All of them had problems before they ever went under. 

“What are you saying?”

“STEM loves people with mental illnesses and that’s why you and Joseph are alive. I mean, it’s a theory, and not one I’ll get to test, but the evidence…” He trailed off, leaving the rest to be assumed.

Sebastian had something else in mind, however. “There wasn’t anything wrong with Joseph.” He insisted.

Ruben couldn’t help but look surprised. 

“Sebastian, he must have been depressed well before he ever fell into that hell hole. And that’s arguably a good thing, too. While the existence of STEM’s bias is pretty easy to understand, how it works isn’t.” Maybe it had learned from him, or maybe he had subconsciously built those things into it. Either way, Joseph’s own damage and the damage inflicted to him by Ruben might very well have been why he survived.

He spoke very matter-of-factly for what he realized too late was a surprise to Sebastian. Perhaps he could have been more tactful.

“Sorry, I thought you knew.” He added lamely.

“I thought it was just STEM…” Sebastian admitted. “I had no idea it was part of him…”

“Maybe it’s the business.” Ruben mused. 

That was the last thing Sebastian wanted to think about.

“Why did you really call me?” He said instead with a sigh.

“I have to shut down STEM.” Ruben replied

“So you’ve said.”

“If I shut it down, I can’t go back in there.”

The intake of breath Ruben heard seemed to signal that Sebastian finally understood.

“This is about Myra.” He said.

Ruben hesitated before he spoke again. “Tell me she’s dead, Sebastian. Tell me I can turn it off.”

“Didn’t expect you to be so concerned.” The bitterness in his voice was quiet. Ruben wasn’t really the target. Life was. Life, and all it had taken from him. 

No matter how hard he tried or how far he got, it just kept taking.

“Just… let me be concerned, okay?” Ruben said. No smart remarks, no clever deflection. The longer he thought about it, the more he realized what he was throwing away. Not just for Sebastian, but for himself. It wasn’t easy to think about.

“I said my goodbyes.” Sebastian eventually said. Ruben could hear grief in his voice, regardless of how hard Sebastian tried to hide it. “Turn it off.”

Flipping the switch was so easy, but getting up the nerve to do it was so hard. Ruben would never breathe a word of how relieved he was to have Sebastian on the phone with him as he typed in the final command.

“It’s done.”

Ruben slumped into his chair in relief and he heard Sebastian sigh on the other end of the line.

“I won’t ask you why you called… but I’m glad you did.” Sebastian said.

Ruben’s smile was tired, but it was unguarded and sincere. He was glad no one was around to see it.

“I was worried when you left. After what you said-”

Oh, yes, he had done that, hadn’t he? A little dramatic, though he had meant it.

“What did you mean by that?”

It was Ruben’s turn to sigh.

“A bunch of things, I guess…” Sebastian had been worried about him. Surely Ruben could stand to be honest with him after that. He may not have liked being honest but for Sebastian, well, it was taking on a sort of charm. 

Unchanged and unchangeable. Bullshit.

“I didn’t know if I could get into STEM without it killing me. When I got in, I had no idea if I could get out… or if I’d want to. Hard to tell when it’s malfunctioning so badly. I was considering that, a little, when I was talking to Kidman in your kitchen… and I realized that if that happened, well…. No one would remember me.”

The words came easier than the feeling did. The sort of grasping impotence all mortals felt when considering what they would leave behind in the world when their time finally ran out.

In Ruben’s case? No friends, no family, no intellectual legacy. Nothing. Nothing but a few psychological scars on people he assumed would be all too happy to forget him.

But he had been kind to Ruben. Despite everything, he had been  _ more _ than kind. Sebastian was full of surprises.

“I wouldn’t have asked you to do it if I knew those were the risks.” Sebastian said quietly.

“Ah, you never asked me to do it.” Ruben pointed out. “This was was, as usual, my own terrible plan. I put myself in danger, for my own selfish reasons.” An exaggeration, but not one that hurt him to make.

“You saved Joseph.”

“I had to, or Kidman would never let me near the machine.”

“That’s not why you did it.”

Sebastian. Yes, full of surprises. How long had he known? And what, exactly, had he figured out? Ruben was equal parts annoyed and pleased. He was annoyed at himself for being found out, but… 

If Sebastian knew that Ruben had done this for him, surely that wasn’t all bad.

“It’s late.” Ruben said eventually. “I should probably stop keeping you up. One of us does have a real job.”

“I’m calling in sick tomorrow. Just… get here as early as you guys can, okay?” He asked.

Ruben wanted to believe that it was him Sebastian was eager to see. He couldn’t quite make himself do it. 

“We will.” He said. Even if he couldn’t believe that particular lie, he was allowed to look forward to seeing Sebastian for his own reasons. Even if that wasn’t a secret he could keep, no one could take that pleasure from him.

When they hung up, Ruben found that he was not entirely as unhappy as he thought he would be. Closing down STEM did mean giving up on so many things…

But tonight, finally, he would sleep uninterrupted. He would remain himself, from this point forward. No more would he be raked over the coals, wracked by the torment of being pulled into his old body. No more would the world around him warp and flicker as he desperately tried to figure out where and when he was.

In exchange, he gave up any hope he had of reliving that power once again. He gave up any hope of salvaging his past.

He’d never see his sister again, except in his dreams.

But maybe she was happier there. 

When he slept, it was deep and without regret.

Sebastian didn’t sleep that night. He stayed up, holding his wedding ring between his fingers and staring at it in the darkness of his room. He ran his touch over the smooth band and watched how the faint light glinted off of it.

How many times could you lose someone? And how many times could it happen before it stopped hurting?


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joseph's back. Things are complicated.  
> Complicated doesn't always mean bad, though.

“Hey.”

Joseph blinked up at him, narrowing his eyes and a frown forming on his lips before he grabbed his glasses from beside his cot and slipped them on. Neither the frown nor the furrowed brows disappeared when his vision focused, however. 

Nor did he return Ruben’s greeting.

“You might want to get cleaned up. Kidman’s looking to leave soon.”

No answer, but Ruben had done what was asked of him. He had no problem leaving Joseph to his own devices. It was probably safer for the both of them.

A little while later, the three of them were back in Kidman’s car. Ruben had no issue giving up the front seat to Joseph, allowing him to stretch out in the back seat like a cat. 

“If we get into an accident on the way there, you  _ know _ you’re dead, right?” Kidman asked him.

“I will consider your warning duly given so you don’t have to waste time pretending to feel guilty.” He answered naturally. 

Truth be told, he wasn’t exactly a professional at dealing with people. Surprise surprise. His time spent honestly interacting with them had come down to his sister and recently, Sebastian and Kidman. But even _he_ could tell that the mood in the car was tense.

It got to him whether he wanted it to or not. He tried to sleep, or at least to doze, but instead he found himself picking at the hem of his shirt or shifting uncomfortably. Maybe it was a good thing he had elected not to sit in the front. Even the idea of a seat belt made his skin crawl.

What was he so fucked up about? There was nothing  _ wrong. _ No matter how hard he wracked his brain, he couldn’t figure it out. 

Sebastian couldn’t erase what they had done, not that he had shown any desire to. And Ruben hadn’t started that whole clusterfuck with any intention of being able to  _ keep _ him. He wasn’t under the impression that Sebastian was someone who  _ was _ kept. 

Well, not by him, at least.

But then what was it? Had he been hoping for that anyway? What an idiot. He knew what bringing Joseph back meant. He had known that going in.

Now that the echoes were gone, apparently he had all the time in the world to get worked up over nothing. His tension existed alongside his sense of incredulity and a healthy dose of derision for himself. What a mess.

It was a long, quiet car ride. 

Kidman didn’t seem as weirded out as he felt, but then again, it would be impossible to tell what she was feeling. His respect for her had long passed ‘grudging’ and had settled firmly into being so innocuous he considered it innate.

Joseph, his gloves on his lap, was gripping his arm with fingers that were white at the knuckles. He shifted in his seat sometimes, but never let himself go.

Shifting his attention to them, getting his thoughts away from himself, was something of a relief. There was nothing to gain from trying to decipher Kidman. But Joseph…

Ruben couldn’t say he wasn’t sympathetic. He didn’t feel  _ bad _ , per se. He didn’t feel guilty. Rather, his sympathy took the form of earnest acceptance that Joseph was surely feeling even worse than he looked.

Maybe that wasn’t what sympathy normally was, but it was a nice break from his sourness with himself, Ruben thought. This one-sided sense of camaraderie and almost kindness was an interesting change.

Now, was it his own attachment to Joseph, the sense of familiarity gained from manipulating his mind for so long, that caused this? Or was it  _ Sebastian’s _ fondness for him, and Ruben was selfishly trying to exploit that for his own ends?

Well, did it matter?

He let out a sigh of relief when they turned into Sebastian’s driveway. At least getting out of the car would get him some space from them, some space from everything. He didn’t figure himself to be particularly claustrophobic, but being underground in the Mobius facility and then being stuck in the car hadn’t felt good, even if it hadn’t preyed on a specific phobia. He was glad to get out, and go with them to knock on Sebastian’s door.

For some reason, seeing Sebastian opening the door seemed like a surprise. Ruben had half-expected Lily to be the one to greet them. Then again, it was still early in the day, and it was a weekday, wasn’t it? He had lost track of time while he was working, as he tended to do. Lily must have been in school.

Like the first time he had turned up on Sebastian’s doorstep, there was silence. For a moment, the four of them stood there, unspeaking. Ruben stared unashamedly at Sebastian, and wasn’t bothered when the detective couldn’t tear his eyes off of Joseph’s face.

After all, that was what they had come to bring him, wasn’t it? Any less of a reaction would have been a little insulting. 

Eventually, he seemed to realize that standing around wasn’t doing anyone any good, and though he couldn’t quite string together the words for an apology, he stood aside and gestured for them to come in.

Ruben took off his shoes inside the door. They fit alright, for what they were. 

He wasn’t sure what happened next, but it seemed like Kidman had an idea.

“Go.” She said, nudging Joseph over to where Sebastian waited. “We’ll keep ourselves busy.”

  
~*~

Sebastian should have waited, should have asked if it was okay, if Joseph wanted him to, but he didn’t. 

Joseph didn’t raise his eyes to look at him until the other two stepped out of the room, and Sebastian immediately pulled him into a hug.

He thought for a moment that his partner might break down, and if he did maybe that would have been better. He probably needed to. But he didn’t. His glasses pressed awkwardly into Sebastian’s shoulder and he only shuddered. For a long time, that was all there was. The two of them, alone in his living room, Joseph shaking but quiet in his arms. 

The echoes were gone, but the feeling of deja vu was less easy to dispel. 

“I’m just so relieved you’re okay,” Sebastian said eventually.

“I’m not,” Joseph said. There was no sugarcoating it and Joseph had never been good at that anyway. They separated, but even when they sat, they sat as close to the other as they could.  “I’m… I’m not okay, Seb.”

“Maybe you’re right.” Sebastian agreed, nodding, “But you’re alive, and that’s a start.”

“Start for  _ what _ . I might as well be dead.” He twisted his gloves in his hands until Sebastian tugged the leather free from his grip. His hands ached something terrible, but so did the rest of him.  “Four years. God. They probably  _ think  _ I’m dead…”  _ Almost wish I was _ . He didn’t say it. He didn’t have to.

Sebastian sighed. His hand was on Joseph’s knee and the other man was glad for it. Sebastian’s touch was an anchor, holding him steady in a sea of problems he couldn’t even name. There were just too many of them. Too much to think about.The pressure made it hard to breathe.

“You’re a missing person, not dead,” Sebastian told him. Weirdly, that was a relief, and it wasn’t. It was a relief because Joseph couldn’t imagine the paperwork to ‘bring himself back to life’ as it were.

It wasn’t a relief because now, dying after he had seen Sebastian again would be so much harder. He wasn’t sure he could take that away from him again.

Part of him wanted to be angry. Instead, he asked, “Four years, Seb. How?  _ Why _ ?”

Sebastian looked tired, like he hadn’t slept. Joseph hadn’t looked at himself in a mirror but didn’t have to; the way Seb looked at him made it obvious that he looked a whole lot worse than just that.

“Beacon. When Mobius dragged us into this…” He started.

Joseph closed his eyes, trying to remember. The memories were so sharp and yet, oddly distant. “The people behind Ruvik.”

“Sort of. The people who made him a problem.” Sebastian sighed again. “He wanted to get out. They didn’t want him to. We got caught in the middle.”  
  
“Kidman was one of theirs.” He reasoned, eyes still closed. “That’s why…”

“Yeah…” Joseph felt Sebastian’s grip tighten, just for a moment. Trying to be reassuring. Joseph didn’t move even as he kept talking. There was just so much to go through.

“Letting him out seemed like a pretty terrible idea. He wanted Leslie, so to try and stop him, well…” Joseph opened his eyes in time to see Sebastian shaking his head. 

“But that wasn’t the end of it. I woke up.” Joseph said. “I woke up and everything was… and you were…”

“Gone.” Sebastian supplied, though it seemed to be hard for him to say. “I was. I had just watched my apprentice kill my… kill you. I had no idea…”

Joseph wanted to be mad. He felt it, twisting in the pit of his stomach. It would come. Or maybe it wouldn’t. For now, it wasn’t strong enough to push out the bones-deep desperation that gripped him. He wanted to be angry that Sebastian abandoned him, left him in that hell, alone, for as long as he did.

But he couldn’t.

“I got out. Juli got out….”

“Ruvik got out.” Joseph noted.

He watched Sebastian run a hand through his hair. “Yeah. After everything we went through. After everything we survived. He still did… Sonofabitch, eh?” He asked, with no humour.  “But I had lost you. On top of everything else, I….”

This time, he didn’t have to finish it.

“Your drinking got worse.” Joseph knew. There was no question in his voice.

Seb nodded. “It got… bad. Really bad. Two years after Beacon, Juli found me drowning myself in whatever I could afford to drink. I was fired before that.” That seemed to embarrass him to say, but Joseph didn’t have the energy to be judgemental. 

“She said she found Lily. She said Myra was alive. Mobius had them both. They were using Lily to… I don’t know, stabilize STEM, I guess. I try not to think about it too hard.” He admitted.

Joseph put his hand on top of Sebastian’s where it still laid on his leg.

“So I went back in. Union, this time, not Beacon. They built themselves some fucking awful city and of course it all went to shit… Long story short, I brought Lily home. I… said goodbye to Myra.”

“Seb-”

But Sebastian shook his head. “No. It was better this time. I mean, it still hurts, god does it hurt, but…” He sighed. “That’s when she told me, Juli did, I mean. Said you were still alive. That she knew where you were. As soon as Mobius went down, she started looking for ways to get you out.”

“It wasn’t like it was when you were in there, Sebastian,” Joseph said. “It was…”

Even thinking about it, Joseph pulled his glasses from his face and pressed his hands to his eyes, having to try and catch his breath. Sebastian put an arm around him and he leaned into the other man’s chest.

“You don’t have to tell me.”

So he didn’t.

They sat together for some time, until Joseph felt almost like himself again. 

“I wanted to be the one to get you out of there, but with Lilly here…”  
  
“No,” Joseph said firmly. “I… I wouldn’t have wanted you to. Not with her here. Not with… what it was like in there.”

He had wanted it to be Sebastian. Oh, what a relief that would have been. But he wasn’t selfish or stupid enough to want it, not really. Not with what he had endured, not with what he knew now.

“I’m just glad you’re here.” Sebastian brushed his fingers through Joseph’s har. It was a strangely intimate gesture, even with what they had done, even with what they were doing. But if nothing else, the physical contact seemed to do Joseph some good.

“No apartment, no job… thank god I have no close family, I guess…” he said bitterly. “I could have just saved you the trouble.”

He watched Sebastian hesitate before he spoke again. “Ruben told me. About the depression, I mean. I… I’m such a fucking idiot, Joseph. How did I not see it?”

Joseph looked at him sharply. It was the first time he had done so, but it was an expression that was so indescribably Joseph that Sebastian suddenly felt like he was being called out for not filing something correctly or for not refilling the coffeemaker.

“I didn’t want you to.” He said. “I didn’t want anyone to. But I guess that didn’t exactly work.”

“I mean, he cheated,” Sebastian said. “Kind of hard to hide something from someone who spends that much time in your head-”

It had been a flippant comment, one he should have known better to say. Joseph shuddered again and pressed a hand to his mouth like he was going to be sick. Sebastian sat up hurriedly, his hand on Joseph’s back and his expression worried before he was waved off.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have-”

“It’s not like you lied,” Joseph said tersely. The hand that had been pressed against his mouth moved instead to his chest. 

He tried to catch his breath, and Sebastian wrestled with his next words before he spoke. “Come on, I’ve got something to show you.”

They went upstairs. Joseph knew the house. He had seen it before the fire, seen it after it was fixed up. He knew this place. It almost felt too good to be real even as he pulled himself up the steps again.

Sebastian’s room. Seb nodded for him to sit on the bed, and Joseph did. He was glad to sit. Standing and walking, even that short distance, wore him out an incredible amount. 

Sebastian went to his closet and pulled out cardboard boxes, carefully carrying them back to where Joseph was sitting and setting them on the carpet at his feet.

“I… I know it feels like I abandoned you. And I did, even if I didn’t know it. I’m not asking for you to forgive me for that.” He said.

Joseph frowned. “Sebastian, it’s not like that.”

“Except that it is. I can hear it in your voice, Joseph. I can see it. I know you better than that.” And that stung, a little. Joseph wanted to be defensive, but what was the point? Sebastian was right.

And being defensive about it only proved his point even more.

“What does that have to do with the boxes?”

“I want to show you that I would have never abandoned you on purpose.”

Joseph didn’t know what that meant. He blinked at Sebastian, but only received a gesture to the boxes as an answer. Taking that as his cue, the reached for the first one and opened it up.

He wasn’t sure what he expected, but he didn’t expect to see his own things packed up. Photographs, still in their frames, taken right off the walls of his apartment. Paperwork, the important stuff he had kept in the tote box under his mattress: his SSN, his greencard and immigration files. He spared a moment to give Sebastian a perplexed look before reaching for the next box. More photographs. Christmas cards.  Birthday cards. 

“Sebastian, what  _ is _ this?” He finally asked.

He had slid down onto the floor in his eagerness to dig through the boxes, and Sebastian then sat down as well, rubbing the back of his neck as he tried to find the words.

“You remember how I said I got worse after Beacon…”

“Yeah.”

“Well, I was an emotional alcoholic who realized I still had your spare key…”

“You  _ robbed _ me?”

He winced. “...yeah, I guess I did. Everyone said you were missing. I… couldn’t bring myself to correct them. Missing was better, and if I really drank myself under the table I could almost believe it. But time started going by, I started thinking about your apartment and everything I knew you’d lose…”

He looked at Joseph then. “I tried to think of what we had lost in the fire, the things that had been the hardest to part with. I was  _ very _ drunk, but… my intentions were good.”

“They usually are,” Joseph said, in his plain stating-the-obvious voice. Talking to him again was as amazing as it was painful. Every minute, Sebastian rediscovered new things that he had missed and the ache of it was like nothing else. 

Every time he thought he had been hurt in every possible way, he discovered there were new agonies to experience.

“I always wanted to believe you’d come back.”

It was Joseph who set the photographs down and grabbed Sebastian by the front of his shirt to kiss him. One of the boxes was still on the ground between them but Sebastian managed to fumble it out of the way to return the kiss properly.

He would have never asked this of Joseph again. Had nothing else happened, had they left STEM together the first time with only the damage of that experience between them, even then he would not have expected this to follow. 

But he would have been lying if he said he didn’t feel better after. Joseph hugged him when they parted and Sebastian, not exactly steady in the way he was kneeling, had to reach for the bed to keep from toppling over.

“I have no idea what I’m doing,” Joseph said then, his voice muffled against Sebastian’s shirt.

“That makes two of us,” Sebastian said, wrapping his other arm around him. “But we’ve been there before, haven’t we?”

“Forever, it feels like,” Joseph said quietly. “I don’t know if I remember what it’s like to feel otherwise.” His laugh was bitter, but at least it was something.

Sebastian pulled back from him and Joseph clumsily pulled himself up to sit on the bed again. He took his glasses off and rubbed at his eyes with a hand that was only slightly shaking.

“It feels like a lifetime since I've seen you.” He said, pushing his glasses back on to his face. “And, somehow, it feels like yesterday. My concept of time is  _ shot _ .”

“It would be,” Sebastian said. He winced when he stood up, stiff and old. The idea still amused him. Despite his best efforts, he had lasted this long. That was the way of things, wasn’t it?

He sat down beside Joseph, who didn’t turn to him or even move much at all, but who did lean against him just enough for Sebastian to notice.  
  
“The… the depression. That’s not from, you know, this.” He said. “It’s from before. Before I before I met you, before I moved here, before all of that. It… it might have always been there.”

Sebastian wasn’t sure why Joseph was telling him this. It wasn’t like him to speak so openly, but he stayed silent rather than misspeak and make him shut up again. It didn’t really matter; Joseph looked over to him then and saw his confusion anyways, answering his question next.

“I just… didn’t want to get your hopes up that it would go away. I don’t think it does. I don’t think it  _ can _ .” He said.

“I mean, I’ve loved you with it already, so I can’t see that making a difference,” Sebastian said offhandedly. Joseph shot him another look, eyes narrowed, but this one Sebastian pretended not to see as he picked at a worn part in his comforter. 

They hadn’t talked much about that in STEM, there hadn’t been time. But he sure as hell wasn’t going to dance around the topic now. Not when he didn’t even think he’d get this chance.

“It’s… not that bad, I guess. I’m usually alright. But as soon as you breathe a word of it to people they panic.” Joseph sighed. “And I was sick of it. I mean, what it boiled down to, to me, was that some days it was easier to get out of bed than others. Other days, I had to remind myself that I’d see you at the office. That usually worked.”

This time when Joseph looked at him, Sebastian looked back. It wasn’t an ‘I love you’, but… it was pretty much the same.

Sebastian managed a bit of a smile. “Why don’t you have a shower, and we’ll get you something to eat. You must be starving.”

“If I am, I can’t feel it,” Joseph said, shaking his head. “But a shower…  _ fuck, _ yes please.”

The signs of him, of who he really was, came and went. His brief exclamation was so poignantly  _ Joseph _ that for a moment Sebastian just stared at him. Thankfully, Sebastian didn’t keep him waiting long. 

“Go get cleaned up. I’ll find you some clothes.” Sebastian told him. Feeling brave, he leaned over and pressed a quick kiss to the other man’s cheek. Something, not quite a smile but definitely not a frown, tugged at Joseph’s lips. 

“‘Kay.” He said, and Sebastian watched him wander off to do exactly that. When he was gone, his eyes turned to the empty space beside him, the comforter still sunken in where Joseph had been moments before.

He was back. He was  _ alive _ . 

Sebastian wasn’t sure what that meant, for Joseph or for him, but it was better than the alternative.

  
~*~

  
“What’s the plan?” Kidman asked him, once Joseph and Sebastian had made their exist.

“Why are  _ you _ asking  _ me _ that question?” Ruben raised an eyebrow.

They sat in Sebastian’s living room. Kidman seemed perfectly at home. It was clear she had visited enough times that being in this place didn’t bother her. Ruben was… less at ease. Distracted, maybe. Not as tense as he had been in the car, not as pent up. But suddenly there was so much to process, so much to see, in this room. After all, he didn’t have any reason to come back after this.

He turned back to the pictures on the wall when he heard Kidman push herself up and out of the couch she had been sitting in. A moment later, she was at his shoulder.

“I’m asking you because you don’t exactly have much to do with yourself now, do you?”

“Neither do you. Unless you’ve managed to land a third career.” 

“Fourth.” She corrected him, and held up fingers to count them off. “Mobius agent, detective, saboteur, that’s three already.”

“Forgive me.” He rolled his eyes but smiled nonetheless.

“But you’re right. I do have a fourth one in mind.” She said, crossing her arms. “Between Mobius, STEM and Sebastian, I’m pretty employable just about anywhere. Think I might go freelance.”

“Trade in one shadow for another.”

“Trading in a shadow for a flashlight, more like.” She said. “There are other people out there besides Mobius who are interested in these kinds of things. I don’t really like knowing that.”

“That’s assuming you can get close to any of the others. They’re not going to like a Mobius traitor.” He told her.

“The only people who know what I am are in this house.” She pointed out. “Everyone else is dead. I could stand to do that again, I think.”

“A career saboteur. That’s still three, though.” His smile was almost charming, and she elbowed him in the arm.

“I don’t see what that has to do with me.” 

“Not like you have a job. There’s not a lab in the world that would take you. Not a reputable one, anyways.”

“First you accuse me of not being able to count and then you come for my professional skills. Remind me why we’re friends again?” He asked her.

“We’re friends?” She asked him in turn.

She had him there.

“I’m asking you because I wanted to know if you wanted in.” She turned her gaze to the wall of framed pictures. Lilly, Myra, Joseph, other people that neither of them knew. As he watched, she reached out to brush her fingers against a picture of Myra, her touch light on the frame’s edge.

“I don’t know if we have a lot of options.” Her tone before had been joking, but she dropped that now, speaking seriously despite not looking at him. “Neither of us really exist, not as far as paperwork is concerned. Even if we did… could you imagine abiding by their rules for the rest of your life?”

He thought that she would have laughed about it, but she didn’t. After all, Juli Kidman hadn’t grown up caring about other people’s rules either, had she? He didn’t know the whole story, but he knew enough.

Settling down and getting a desk job would have been such a waste.

And her question had a fair point.

“I’ve never been partial to rules…” He mused. “And what you’re suggesting sure beats homelessness and starving to death.”

She did look at him then, frowning, and elbowed him a second time. “Hey!”

A little taken aback, he turned to look at her, as she seemed to want him to.

“Those aren’t your only two options, you know. We’re not just going to cut you loose now that this is dealt with.” She said.

“Can you blame me for assuming otherwise?” He asked, apparently unaffected. He didn’t look surprised until she answered.

“Yeah, actually, I can. Who the fuck do you think we are?” She asked.

He blinked at her, speechless, if only for the moment.

“You mean…?” He started, hoping she would finish because honestly, he didn’t know what she meant. Thankfully, she did exactly that.

“I mean, if you wanted to be a person with a normal job and a normal life, we could figure it out.” Her tone was a strange mix of indignant and weirdly compassionate. Ruben could sort of figure why: Kidman, like all of them, wasn’t exactly first-class at this sort of thing, was she?

“‘We’?” He asked instead. 

She looked at him then with mild exasperation.

“Yes, ‘we’, I can’t speak for Joseph-” She pointed at the bruise that was dark against Ruben’s cheek, “But I don’t have to tell you that Sebastian would help where he could. He’s soft.” She added offhandedly.

“He’s  _ not _ .” Ruben said, the joke entirely inappropriate for both the company and the discussion.

“I hate you.” She said, in a tone that made it clear that she didn’t.

Still, refuge in humour was easier than admitting that people wanted to help him. That was… a lot of feelings to deal with. He thought he was in over his head with Sebastian, well, wasn’t this just his luck.

_ Friends _ . He was just as exasperated as she was, and at the same person.

“Do you hate me enough that you couldn’t work with me?” He asked her after the moments of silence that had fallen between them.

“No.” She said quickly. Her tone was more sharp than defensive and hearing it made him smile. “I don’t hate you  _ that _ much.”

“Good. Because that sounds like a much more suitable situation for somebody like me.” He said easily. “Could you imagine me dealing with people who aren’t, you know…”

“Inherently fucked up? No, I can’t.” 

He smiled. He didn’t even realize he was doing it. 

A career in tanking shadowy operations? Well, why not? He was no altruist, but maybe that was better. Good people were easier to manipulate. Ruining people’s lives because he was petty and enjoyed it largely stopped that from being an issue. 

“You’re sure about this?” She asked him then, drawing him from his thoughts just as his smile started to fade. 

“What is there to not be sure about?”

“I mean, dedicating yourself to a life of what technically might be terrorism, and you know,  _ Sebastian. _ ” 

She had a knack for that, for knowing just what needed to be said, what he didn’t want to hear. It was a skill he wasn’t sure he enjoyed. But, maybe it was better that she had it.

“He’s not  _ mine _ .” Ruben said, though whether his snort of derision was for the detective or himself he didn’t say. “I’m not an idiot, Kidman. I knew what I was doing.”

“Sure about that?”  
  
“Yes.” He said, with sureness he did not feel.

Maybe it had been a bad idea, but he didn’t think so. Not only had he pulled Sebastian into bed with him, twice, but he had returned his partner. No, Sebastian wasn’t going to be forgetting about him any time soon. 

With a sigh, he stepped away from the photographs and turned his attention to the room itself. Sebastian’s living room. If what Kidman offered turned out, well, it might be a long time before he came back. But a long time was better than never.

He wondered if Sebastian would miss him. 

A sound from upstairs drew both of their attentions, and both Ruben and Kidman turned when they heard the shower start. Then she looked at him.

“If you’re looking to talk to him, now is probably the time.” She said.

He didn’t need to be told twice.

~*~

  
He found Sebastian sitting on his bed with his back to the door. Perhaps it was both rude and stereotypical of him to wait there, leaning in the doorway for a moment, just to watch him. He did it anyway. Either he had been quiet or Sebastian was lost in thought because it was several minutes before the detective realized he was being watched.

On being noticed, Ruben didn’t exactly jump to defend his innocence. He waited there, arms crossed, looking completely comfortable to be caught until Sebastian found the words to speak.

“Oh, Ruben-” He said, and then hesitated as though he was going to say more, but nothing came.

“Don’t sound so excited,” Ruben answered.

Still, he went to him. Ruben straightened up and crossed Sebastian’s bedroom, sitting on the side of the bed closest to the door. Sebastian didn’t move, only turned where he sat so he could see Ruben a little more easily. 

“You look exhausted,” Ruben told him, reaching out to lay his hand over where Sebastian’s was.

“Somehow I don’t think any of us got a lot of sleep,” Sebastian answered.

“Speak for yourself. I slept better than I have in years.”

It wasn’t a lie, but the flippant tone had been deliberately chosen to try and bait Sebastian into a smile. It worked.

“Glad someone did.” He retorted. 

“You alright?” Ruben asked quietly.

“All things considered,” Sebastian said with a sigh. “Nothing for it but to give it time. I’m glad you came up here. I wanted to say thank you.”

“Could do that downstairs.”

“Could, but I was going to follow it by telling you how much it meant to me. Not just that you’d turn it off, but that you called me like that before you did, and that you…” His eyes drifted, looking from Ruben to the door. Ruben knew where he was looking: to the closed bathroom door across the hall.

“That’s giving me too much credit,” Ruben said dismissively. “I was suffering, I wanted it to stop. I  _ am _ selfish, you know.”

“Among other things.”

Sebastian’s insistence that there was more to him was annoying and  _ charming _ and Ruben kind of hated it but mostly loved it. When he looked at Sebastian his smile was not quite a grin, roguish and daring even in its restraint. 

“Thank you,” Sebastian said.

“You’re welcome.”

“You’re not taking me seriously.” 

Ruben looked away and shrugged. “I have no doubt that you’re thankful. It’s not like I think you’re lying.”

He was going to say something else, probably something insufferable, when Sebastian reached over and cupped his cheek, turning his face back to the other man and not allowing Ruben the relief of distance that he had been relying on to maintain his aloofness.

Instead, Sebastian leaned their foreheads together.

“Thank you.” He said again.

Ruben swallowed, hesitating. What did he feel? Relief? Jealousy? Adoration?  _ Happiness _ ? All of the above.

“You’re welcome.” He said finally.

Sebastian smiled at him again.

They didn’t move. Ruben stared at him, as he always did, and Sebastian seemed at ease to let him do so. There was just so much to remember. But this didn’t hold the same finality as their last meeting.

Kidman would be coming back, if not to see Sebastian than to see Lily. This wouldn’t be the last that Ruben saw of him, either.

But who knew when that would be? He wanted to remember this, for the time in between.

“Juli had to talk to you about something?” Sebastian asked finally. 

“Yeah, actually… an employment opportunity.” Ruben said. “Since, well, I don’t exactly have anything to do with myself anymore.”

“Neither does she.” Sebastian mused. “What are you two planning?”

“Wanton destruction and violence,” Ruben answered him without missing a beat.

Sebastian laughed. “I mean, it suits you both. Care to be a little more specific?”

“There are other people out there like Mobius, operating in the shadows, pulling strings. Hurting people. I guess that’s the kind of thing that keeps Kidman up at night. So, we figured… why not work on that?”

“Could be dangerous.”

“I’m not going to get hurt.” Ruben shook his head. “I just got a body that works, I’m not going to squander it.”

“Promise me?”

“You’re awfully cruel with your promises, _Seb_ ,” Ruben narrowed his eyes, but Sebastian did not relent.

Eventually, Ruben sighed. “Yes. I promise. I’ll do my best not to have harm befall me, or Kidman for that matter.”

It was only then that Sebastian tilted his head and a small smile formed on his lips. “Is that a bruise?” He asked, tilting Ruben’s head so he could see it better.

Ruben’s frown faded into a laugh, and he willingly let Sebastian move him as he needed. “Yes, in fact, it is.”

“It looks like someone punched you in the face.”

“That might be because someone did,” Ruben said. He hadn’t meant to speak so affectionately about it, but the warmth in his voice was unmistakable. 

“ _Oh_ ,” Sebastian said, figuring it out. His smile bloomed into a grin. “You know, I’m almost jealous.”

“That he got to punch me in the face?” Ruben sounded offended.

“That he got to leave a mark.” Sebastian corrected him.

Ruben could have strangled him. Or ripped his clothes off. Or one followed by the other. What he did, though, was laugh. It was enough to lighten the tension, but he didn’t miss the heated glance that Sebastian shot him. 

Maybe things weren’t as simple as he had assumed. Interesting.

“When is Lily coming home? Should all of your weird friends be gone by the time she gets here?” Ruben offered.

“No. Are you kidding? She’d be so upset with me if she knew that you  _ and _ Juli had been here and she didn’t get to see you. No. When Joseph’s done in the shower, I’m going to throw some food together. You guys can leave after she’s had a chance to say hi.”

“On that note, you might want to bring him some clothes…” Ruben said, looking knowingly at the detective. Joseph couldn’t exactly wear what he had come in, and there was no way that Sebastian had already done so. Not with Ruben acting as the wholehearted distraction that he was.

It was Sebastian’s turn to look offended, but of course, Ruben was right on the mark with his guess. He watched the other man grab some things, and stood up to leave the room as he did. He’d go and wait downstairs with Kidman. As much as he would have loved to take up more of Sebastian’s time, today seemed like the wrong day to press his luck.

Another time. And there  _ would _ be another time.

Sebastian pressed a kiss to his temple as Ruben brushed passed him to take the stairs. It was an off the cuff gesture, spur of the moment and sincere. Smiling, unable to stop himself from doing so, Ruben glanced back at him as he headed downstairs.

Sebastian returned the same faint smile.

Complicated. Well, everything about Ruben was complicated. Why not this, too?

When Ruben went downstairs, Sebastian turned his attention to the bathroom just as the water turned off. He knocked on the door, thinking it better to give Joseph a warning than risk scaring him. 

“Hey, it’s me.” He said, which was all he bothered to say before he opened the door. The steam was immediate. Joseph must have taken a shower at temperatures hot enough to cook himself. Not that Sebastian could blame him, all things considered.

He flicked on the fan and looked to where Joseph was drying himself off. He didn’t seem shy or discomfited by Sebastian’s presence, and why should he be? This wasn’t the first time either of them had been undressed in front of the other. 

Instead, he dried his hair some and then blinked over at Sebastian, squinting a little. Without looking, Sebastian grabbed his glasses off the counter, instinctively knowing where they would be through a sense he could not explain. He handed them to Joseph, who put them back on.

“Oh, clothes.” He said.

“Yeah, I forgot, too. Got distracted. Sorry.” He shrugged, handing him the clothes in question.

“S’fine, I had forgotten too.” It was no secret that they both had a lot to think about. 

He finished drying off as Sebastian leaned against the counter.

“I want to ask what you were thinking about, but…”

“Nothing like that.” Joseph shook his head as he pulled the shirt on. “I was thinking about what I’m going to do with myself.”

Sebastian looked at him and it was Joseph’s turn to shrug. Of course he was thinking about the practical next step. This was Joseph Oda he was talking about.

“I mean, I’m sure I will think about those things eventually. They’ll come back, they always do, but… Like you said, I’ve been evicted from my apartment, so…” So that was a little more of a pressing concern than his tenuous mental health.

“I was worried that was it, actually.” Sebastian sighed. He hadn’t thought to lay it out in so many words before Joseph took a shower, but it probably would have been kinder to. “I was hoping you’d stay here. I mean, your stuff is already here, and if anyone knows what it’s like, coming out of STEM, well…”

Joseph’s face was carefully impassive. “I didn’t want to assume.”

“You could have,” Sebastian told him. “If you want, we can put an extra bed in my office. It’s not much but at least it would be your own space.”

The offer was sincere. He  _ would _ do that. Hell, Lily would be glad to see his office gone. Less of a chance of him bringing home work. And it would be fine as another bedroom.

But something, he wasn’t sure what, made him know that it would never come to pass. Even as he said the words, he knew that wouldn’t be what happened. Maybe it was just his emotions getting the best of him, but there was something in Joseph’s guarded glance that led him to believe they wouldn’t need the other room.

The thought wasn’t a sad one.

“I’d like that,” Joseph said. And then, after a hesitation. “I’d be grateful.”

“I’m not asking you to be grateful. I’m just asking you to stay.” 

Joseph was still only half-dressed when they kissed again. This one was gentler, less desperate, but no less comforting. Then, with the red in his face either a result of the kiss or the heat of the room, Joseph finally finished dressing.

“So I saw you punched Ruben in the face,” Sebastian noted lightly.

Joseph scoffed. “Of course I did. Wait-” He looked at Sebastian then, frowning faintly. “Ruben?”

“Yeah. I mean it is actually his name after all.” Sebastian said. “Might as well use it.”

“ _ I’ve _ got something to call him,” Joseph said derisively. But, before Sebastian could say anything on the matter, he kept talking. “I’m well aware that he’s responsible for getting me out, but I’m pretty sure that being critical of his existence is habit by now.”

“Don’t worry, it’s habit for him, too.” Sebastian joked. He leaned against Joseph, just happy for the ability to do so. “Just try not to be too hard on him. This was Mobius’s fault more than his.”

“I won’t punch him again. I mean, unless he gives me a reason to.” Joseph said, by way of a compromise.

This, too, would be hard. Letting go of the anger of what had happened to him. It was hard when there was no real revenge to be had. Everyone who was truly responsible for his suffering was already dead.

But Sebastian didn’t feel worried about it. Joseph in his anger here did not sound truly any more upset than he had been in their time together outside of STEM. With a sigh, Joseph leaned against him, and they waited there together in the quiet for nothing at all.

“How are you feeling?” Sebastian asked.

“More… myself.” Joseph said. “More awake, I guess. It’s something.”

“Found your appetite?” 

“Not sure, but up for trying. Although, you know what?” Joseph asked him.

“Hm?”

“I’d love a cup of coffee.” He admitted.

“Luckily, there’s lots of that,” Sebastian told him. “You think you’re ready to go downstairs again?”

“And see them, you mean?” Joseph sighed but nodded. “Yeah. I… understand what happened. It’s going to be a while before I can do anything productive with that, but… I don’t hate them, Seb. I just…”

“Have a lot to work through.” He offered, when Joseph’s words faltered.

“And even if I get better, I’m not sure how much better I’ll get,” Joseph admitted.

Sebastian sighed. “Well, I’m not a professional, but I’ve been doing some reading. When Lily and I cam home, we were pretty messed up, too. Less so her, mind you. She’s resilient as hell. But I learned a lot. And I figure, between the two of us, we’ll be able to figure it out. We usually do, don’t we?”

Joseph smiled faintly. “Yeah. And you don’t think… Lily won’t mind me staying here?”

“She’ll be thrilled.” Sebastian wasn’t sure how much of Joseph Lily would remember, but knowing her, it would be more than he expected. She really was something else.

“Come on, we’ll make some coffee. She should be home from school any minute now.”

This time, when Joseph smiled, it was a little steadier.

“Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here it is! This is the fourth and final chapter. Yes, there's a lot unanswered, and you can fill in the blanks however you see fit. In my ideal ending, Joseph and Sebastian do end up an item. Don't think I'm leaving Ruben out in the cold, though. He might not be cut out for your typical relationship, but I think he finds his way with those two just fine. 
> 
> Kidman, of course, wants nothing to do with these boys and their goddamn overcomplicated Feelings, thank you.
> 
> For anyone interested, this whole fic was written mainly to a soundtrack of Hayley Kiyoko, with special shout-outs to Wanna Be Missed (for Sebastian and Ruben) and Ease My Mind (For Seb and Joseph).
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it!


End file.
